Sadly out of print and hard to get hold of, I feel it is my duty, then, to give you highlights of this important work, so that other celebrities will know the height of the bar. In Don's case: About four feet.
This is the second time I've reviewed Don Estelle's Sing Lofty, and like last time, I won't be trashing his memory as the man's still got living relatives, but it's a fine example of an angry celebrity speaking his brains, knowing his time in the spotlight is well and truly over.
But if there's one
thing that stands out from Sing Lofty it's this: Despite his prodigious singing
voice, he was certainly no writer. And
this comes out in his haphazard style, swinging from one subject to the next,
recalling his exact mortgage payment at the time of the Suez Crisis and the
name, address and post code of every booking he ever had, to his (probably righteous)
rage at his lack of TV work after It Ain't Half Hot Mum finished.
If there's an
alternative title for this book, it'll be Modern Life Is Shit, which leads us
directly to the title's most notorious passage, straight from the crushed hopes
and dreams of Alan Partridge.
DON ON NOT GETTING ON TV ANY MORE
Poor Don. Nobody wants his easy-listening and pith helmet, at least not on this side of the planet, and it's those tight-crutched morons who are to blame. But let's get back to the start...
DON ON HIS EARLY DAYS
Don sets his stall out early doors. And his stall is this: I'm not going to stick to the point:
The first fact in the book and it's wrong - Hitler became Chancellor on 30th January 1933. But you can't deny it - they were tough old days back then.
If there's a recurring theme in Sing Lofty, it's how Rochdale has one of the finest town halls in the country.
DON ON ROCHDALE, WHICH HAS ONE OF THE FINEST TOWN HALLS IN THE COUNTRY
So, tell us about Rochdale, Don.
DON ON NOT WANTING TO TALK ABOUT HIS FIRST MARRIAGE, OR EVEN MENTIONING HER NAME, RIGHT?
Poor Don, married too soon and lived to regret it. But I don't want to talk about it, right?
Poor Don, married too soon and lived to regret it. But I don't want to talk about it, right?
Oh, go on, Don. Give it another go.
Marriage didn't work out, but worse things happen on Lake Coniston.
And while we're on the habit of things Don doesn't want to talk about...
Marriage didn't work out, but worse things happen on Lake Coniston.
And while we're on the habit of things Don doesn't want to talk about...
DON ON NOT WANTING TO TALK ABOUT THAT HOUSE HE BOUGHT IN BUCKINGHAM
You lived in Buckingham, eh? Tell us about it. Or not, then.
You lived in Buckingham, eh? Tell us about it. Or not, then.
OK, I've changed my mind, let's talk about that house in Buckingham, but I'm not going to edit out that previous bit about not talking about it.
(And several pages about the house in Buckingham which he didn't want to talk about.)
That's enough life story. What does Don think about the modern world in 1999? Not much it turns out.
DON ON CRIME
Times were hard when Don was a lad, but at least you weren't getting murdered TO DEATH as soon as you step outside your front door.
Tell us Don, what, exactly is war good for? Can we ever stop fighting each other?
That's enough life story. What does Don think about the modern world in 1999? Not much it turns out.
DON ON CRIME
Times were hard when Don was a lad, but at least you weren't getting murdered TO DEATH as soon as you step outside your front door.
He's right. I'm ALWAYS getting murdered.
DON ON WAR
Tell us Don, what, exactly is war good for? Can we ever stop fighting each other?
War is A Bad Thing, m'kay? But we're all chums now.
DON ON POP MUSIC
As an olde tyme singer, Don's got very particular views of music .
As an olde tyme singer, Don's got very particular views of music .
Not a fan, then.
DON ON ALTERNATIVE COMEDY
As an olde tyme comic, Don's got very particular views of comedy, too.
Not a fan of that, either.
DON ON ALTERNATIVE COMEDY
As an olde tyme comic, Don's got very particular views of comedy, too.
DON ON MODERN LIFE BEING A BIT SHIT
But surely the last years of the 20th Century have got something going for them?
But surely the last years of the 20th Century have got something going for them?
Stupid "progress". What's it ever done for us?
OK, clones. Clones are good. Also, life's not fair.
Sucks.
DON ON POLITICS
Stark political insight coming up:
If he were alive today, he'd have a purple rosette on that pith helmet. AmIRight? But what about our pals in the rest of the world? What prospect for world peace?
Ah.
DON GOES TO MOSCOW, STARES AT SOME BOSOMS
The finest anecdote in the entire book deserves duplication in full...
Moral: Ladies certainly make the world go round, but don't stare at their chest when you are walking down the street and carry an expensive Pentax.
DON ON POLITICS
Stark political insight coming up:
DON GOES TO MOSCOW, STARES AT SOME BOSOMS
The finest anecdote in the entire book deserves duplication in full...
DON'S CELEBRITY ANECDOTES
OK, a life in show-business. Surely you've got a few stories to tell?
OK, a life in show-business. Surely you've got a few stories to tell?
I hear you met Shirley Bassey. What about her legendary concert rider demands?
Wow.
DON ON PHILOSOPHY
Deep thoughts with Don.
Deep thoughts with Don.
Amazing. I can see things much more clearly now.
No, it's Popeye.
Yeah, I know...
DON DOWN UNDER
Toward the end of his career, Don found a place still living in the 1970s that appreciated him: New Zealand. Much of the second half of the book is devoted to eye-wateringly detailed travelogues of his concerts tours of the Dominions. Eye-wateringly detailed, I kid you not:
New Zealand's near the South Pole, you know.
VERY close to the South Pole.
Don went to New Zealand a lot, but hated Australia.
DON IN DEMAND
But it's back to the UK for the most important date on his calendar. The Spalding Flower Festival, where a short man in a pith helmet is the perennial guest of honour.
Never miss Spalding.
Never, EVER miss Spalding.
Spalding Control - we have a problem
Does he make it to Spalding in time AND do the Gracie Fields concert? (Yes)
(And on page 197, eight pages from the end of the book, we learn he has children)
Is it May? Must be time for...
They struggled on for ten years after Don died, but the Spalding Flower Festival just wasn't the same without him.
DON STILL UPSET THAT HE CAN'T GET ON TV ANY MORE, ALSO GENITALS
But with the New Zealand stuff, the Spalding stuff and staring at bosoms in Moscow, surely you've got over not getting on TV any more?
Those no-genital TV stars, eh?
DON DOWN UNDER
Toward the end of his career, Don found a place still living in the 1970s that appreciated him: New Zealand. Much of the second half of the book is devoted to eye-wateringly detailed travelogues of his concerts tours of the Dominions. Eye-wateringly detailed, I kid you not:
New Zealand's near the South Pole, you know.
VERY close to the South Pole.
Don went to New Zealand a lot, but hated Australia.
DON IN DEMAND
But it's back to the UK for the most important date on his calendar. The Spalding Flower Festival, where a short man in a pith helmet is the perennial guest of honour.
Never miss Spalding.
Never, EVER miss Spalding.
Spalding Control - we have a problem
Does he make it to Spalding in time AND do the Gracie Fields concert? (Yes)
Is it May? Must be time for...
They struggled on for ten years after Don died, but the Spalding Flower Festival just wasn't the same without him.
DON STILL UPSET THAT HE CAN'T GET ON TV ANY MORE, ALSO GENITALS
But with the New Zealand stuff, the Spalding stuff and staring at bosoms in Moscow, surely you've got over not getting on TV any more?
DON ON INAPPROPRIATE FRIENDS
Say what you like about Don and his fame in the 60s and 70s, at least he didn't hang around with any celebrities who have since been outed as noted sexual deviants.
Oh. But then, Savile was all
over the era like a sweaty-pawed rash and that's a bit of a cheap shot. So let's try again: At least he didn't hang around with any
noted (alleged) sexual deviants, praising them to the skies.
Well at least he didn't go into business sort of business venture with any ....errr.... right....
Poor innocent Don, not his fault in the slightest.
And so we come to the end., and a lesson to all writers.
DON ON FINISHING A BOOK
Authors! This is how you finish a book.
And this is what happens when you do your own proof-reading.
I think the word you're looking for is "incorrigible". Hey ho.
There's no denying that this book is a complete stinker. The sad truth is that Don never found himself a publisher or distribution deal in his lifetime, so he was forced to self-publish and (literally) sell copies out of a suitcase as he sung for his supper in town centres.
That means copies for sale are as rare as hen's teeth, which is why I've posted the highlights here today. You might be able to get a copy from your local library - Hampshire's got one, and I imagine that Rochdale Town Library (possibly the finest in the country) is paved with spare copies. Otherwise, be prepared to pay top dollar for this literary classic.
Lord bless you Don. You had the voice of a stumpy angel, but writing was not your forte. At least you've got the music and there were no cheap shots there...
Oh.But at least you never did blackface.
Oh.
And so we come to the end., and a lesson to all writers.
DON ON FINISHING A BOOK
Authors! This is how you finish a book.
There's no denying that this book is a complete stinker. The sad truth is that Don never found himself a publisher or distribution deal in his lifetime, so he was forced to self-publish and (literally) sell copies out of a suitcase as he sung for his supper in town centres.
That means copies for sale are as rare as hen's teeth, which is why I've posted the highlights here today. You might be able to get a copy from your local library - Hampshire's got one, and I imagine that Rochdale Town Library (possibly the finest in the country) is paved with spare copies. Otherwise, be prepared to pay top dollar for this literary classic.
Lord bless you Don. You had the voice of a stumpy angel, but writing was not your forte. At least you've got the music and there were no cheap shots there...
7 comments:
You;re a duck LOL
Thank you for reading this, so we don't have to...
This is absolutely magnificent, thank you.
Oh and my new band, 'The Bestial, Basic, Sex Mad Drunken Louts With An IQ of Morons', will release our first EP of Don Estelle cover versions just in time for Christmas.
BANG.
I saw him performing in the Pantiles shopping centre in Uxbridge one lunchtime in the early 1990s. I don't remember much about it except he was wearing his full It Ain't Half Hot Mum uniform. I didn't pay much attention at the time. Had I known what I know now I should have purchased whatever tat he was flogging.
I met him outside the Palace Theatre in Manchester once. I was really waiting for Windsor Davies. Oh well.
But, ad you must give him credit for this, it's all his own words.
This is so great!!! Danny Baker luckily introduced this to the world a few years ago and I remember hooting with laughter then! Thanks, indeed comedy gold!!
Yep, the dimunitive lad in the pith helmet was no 'wordsmith' (not very pithy either). Some wag once remarked: 'There is a book in everyone. And that is where it should remain'.
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