Tuesday, December 30, 2014

PIZZOPATHY: A scientific exploration into the health benefits of takeaway pizza

Much has been written - most of it appalling crap - about the benefits or otherwise of alternative therapies such as homeopathy, faith healing, blood-letting, and other ridiculous mumbo-jumbo that has no basis at all in scientific fact.

Effective medicine is peer-reviewed by competent and suitably qualified experts in trials and tests the prove, beyond all reasonable doubt the a drug or treatment does exactly as expected, without unfortunate side-effects such as growing a foot on the top of your head, turning purple, or painful death. Painful death as a medical side-effect is seen - quite rightly by the medical community - as A Bad Thing which should be avoided.

That is why myself and a number of knowledgeable experts with the highest-level qualifications in ordering takeaway food from pizza shops have decided to undergo risky clinical trials to determine whether takeaway pizza can cure such serious conditions as "feeling a bit under the weather", "the grumps", and "I've built a fort out of sofa cushions and I'm not coming until we get pizza". We call this Pizza Therapy PIZZOPATHY, and will shout long and hard at any so-called "scientist" who calls our findings bogus.

Of course, there had to be a control group that didn't get pizza, and it pleases our research group greatly that their evening meal of raw brussels sprouts and rancid meat left them grumpy, a bit under the weather, and setting fire to the cushion fort we left for them.

A second placebo group were given what looked like pizza, but was in fact carefully arranged cat turds, the insoles from old trainers and a spray-painted frisbee make to look exactly like pizza. They smashed up the lab, and it took three hours to extract the frisbee from an unfortunate laboratory assistant's rear passage, a reaction we considered totally unnecessary in the light of our entirely valid scientific enquiry.

Important scientific supplies are delivered to our laboratory
 Thus it fell to the third group to sample real pizza from a takeaway establishment and report back on the health benefits, or lack thereof.

In the light of the danger of side-effects (turning purple, death), we volunteered to undertake this task ourselves, paid for by a generous research grant and a 50% off voucher from a major chain of pizza takeaways, provided we collected the goods ourselves.

The results were stunning. I went from "a bit grumpy" to "feeling alright" by the time thee garlic bread had disappeared down my face-hole; and by the time the large Domino's Mighty Meaty had disappeared, my malaise was utterly lifted, and I was ready to give the world a good old punch in the conker. Other members of our group reported similar effects with potato wedges/pizza combination, proof positive that Pizza Therapy has its clear benefits.

WARNING: Do not try this experiment with £1 pizzas from Iceland. You will die.

In summary: Proper scientific enquiry PROVES that takeaway pizza has positive health benefits, and we will fight any so-called "expert" who says otherwise.

To try PIZZOPATHY for yourself, send us £50, and we shall arrange clinical pizza supplies sent to your own home (Pizza lab technicians may be wearing Domino's Pizza uniforms, but we assure you that we are not simply ordering pizza for you and trousering the difference*)

I am not mad.

* We are


Rowan said...

Nice :)

I expect an invitation to the "burgers make you live longer" trial:D

couple of typos -
"and tests the(at) prove"
"the(e) garlic bread"

Clearly pizza doesn't entirely replace the mental faculties ;)

Gonzoland said...

Dear Dr. Scary, I tried my first pizza at Reading Uni Canteen in 1984 and never went back - To pizza that is. I am still alive - Why?

Mr Larrington said...

Q: What doe you call alternative medicine that has been proven to work?

A: Medicine.

keith said...

I went to Domino's once to buy a new set of dominoes because my old set was broken. When I asked the man behind the counter, he told me to piss off! A very nasty man indeed.

I really am a Robot.