Wednesday, June 17, 2015

How to smuggle a penguin onto a plane (slight return)

For the benefit of a friend who is currently penguin-spotting in South Africa, I reproduce my 2004 guide to smuggling a penguin out of the country should they feel the urge to take one home. Hope this helps, but please remember penguin-smuggling is A Bad Thing, m'kay?

The Scaryduck guide to... smuggling penguins onto airliners

It's always the same. You go on holiday, have a few drinks, and before you know it, you're faced with the problem of getting that ill-advised purchase onto the plane home. Don't sweat - you'll get Mr Flippers back home with minimal time in prison and a place on your government's "No Fly" list* if you follow our foolproof guide.

- Wear dark glasses and claim he is your guide penguin. Any attempt to harrass you is discrimination against the disabled.

- Superglue a handle to his back and insist that he is the latest line of designer handbag: "Gaultier's got one"

- "Airport security - we understand there is an illicit shipment of fish on this aircraft. Go fetch, boy!"

- "Are you stupid? Can't you see my son supports Newcastle United?"

- Claim you are a salesman from a skittles factory, and say it is a factory sample of a new self-righting model. That eats fish.

- Hide it inside the llama you are also smuggling on board

"Now you're telling me he can't go to the North Pole and fulfill his life's ambition"
 - "I've just won the Nobel Prize for novelty toilet brush holders. Can't you see it's a work of art?"

- Buy him a first class ticket, and continually refer to him as "Maestro"

- Pretend to be a BBC film crew from TV's Jim'll Fix It, and produce a letter saying "Dear Jim, please could you fix it for my small flightless bird to go up in a plane." (In the light of ...errr... circumstances, this one may no longer work)

- Put him inside a condom, swallow him and carry him through customs inside your stomach. Back at home, just wait for nature to do its course, et voila! (Only works for very, very, very small penguins)

- "He may look like a penguin to you chief, but he self-identifies as a first-class air passenger, you BIGOT"

Best of luck to you all. Please be aware that the penalties for penguin smuggling are severe and vary from country to country.

*No fly. Penguins. Geddit? Oh, suit yourselves.

3 comments:

TRT said...

I smuggled a penguin onto a plane once. But when I went to eat it, it had melted.

Flaxen Saxon said...

Indeed Mr Mallard. The only reason you would smuggle a penguin is because you want to eat it. Don't bother. The meat is surprisingly tough, even the young birds. Tis a dark and very fatty meat and there is very little of it. Don't even think about eating the eggs, they smell something awful and have an oily texture. Got to admit though, if you are in extremis, they are very easy to catch. Not the Emporer penguins- dem buggers are vicious.

TonyF said...

Rip the opposite corners off and you can suck warm tea through them.