Sunday, September 13, 2015

Crap cars: Walter White's terrible Pontiac Aztek

Several years ago, I made a list of crap cars to decide which was the worst one ever. I have no memory of what came out bottom, but I'd be very disappointed if it wasn't the Chrysler PT Cruiser, a vehicle which screams "The owner of this car is a terrible wanker!" at passers-by*. I've never seen a passenger in a PT Cruiser that is anything less than faintly embarrassed to be in a car that should only be driven by commercial radio DJs.

But that's until I started catching up with Breaking Bad recently and clapped eyes on Walter White's 2004 Pontiac Aztek. Now, there's the pinnacle of dreadful car making, from a country that really knows how to churn out dreadful cars.

The Aztek can only be the result of design by committee, the committee comprising five-year-olds tasked with drawing pictures of cars until a nice one came out. Or one that just had a wheel on each corner and looked a bit like a jelly mould.

I'm hardly one to talk, as I drive a Nissan Micra K.11, but that back end looks like they ran out of ideas on a sunny Friday afternoon, and decided to knock off early. I would too, if I'm going to be perfectly honest.

It's such a crushingly awful motor, it even turns up in American Dad.

So, beige or grey. Other colours were available, but as the old saying goes: You can't polish a turd.

I am aware that there are many other dreadful cars on our roads, but the Pontiac Aztek - which (thankfully) never made it across the Atlantic in the way the PT Cruiser did - is a clear winner.

The search for the crappest car never ends.One of my neighbours drives what seems to be a canary yellow Smart Car knock-off that looks and sounds like a sewing machine that just about manages 25mph up the very, very slight incline past our house. Once I have established what kind of new horror is roving the streets of Fleet (I doubt if it would manage to go much further), I shall report back.

*Except for people who are my friends who own one, because my rules.


#Debi said...

I drive a PT Cruiser...

Alistair Coleman said...

*cough* You're excused because you're excellent

Chris said...

Could the sewing machine be a G Wiz?

Mr Larrington said...

I am told that the Aztek was not actually that bad as long as you didn't have to look at it, but people did and as a result sales were awful. The Ssangyong Rodius, though, is even uglier, resembling a bloated Toyota Prius with a dormer window tacked on the back.

And then there's this:

It started life as a Lloyd LS600, an innocuous German runabout from the late 1950s. How it ended up converted into the Canadian Army's answer to the M1 Abrams and sitting on a verge in a far-flung corner of British Columbia is at present a mystery.

Alistair Coleman said...

1. It's not a G Wiz - I've nearly been run over by a G Wiz, and it's not one of them.

2. I've seen a Rodius in real life. Truly an appalling car.

Richard Wintle said...

I had a PT Cruiser as a rental car in California some years ago (not by choice BTW), and it was surprisingly fun to drive. The automated tailgate baffled me though.

As for the Aztek - beige or grey are both bad, but in the flesh it is eye-blisteringly awful in bright yellow. For added eye pain, it was available with an optional tent addition to convert it into a camper. Yes really.

Anonymous said...

I'm guessing your neighbours car might be an Aixam:

Anonymous said...

What about the Ford Pacer or the Fiat Multipla ? I heard a rumaour that the designer of the Multipla died when he tripped over his guide dog.

Mr Larrington said...

I got to drive a Ford Expedition today. I was in Nevada. The back of the vehicle was in California.

TRT said...

There seems to be a spate of terrible looking cars coming onto the market. All with square front ends that look like bricks, or with excitingly chunky plastic body panel decoration.
The Cactus
The Audi Quattro Concept
BMW-i3-380 So bad it makes their executive officers faint.