Tuesday, September 08, 2015

The Pets At Home Incident


To Pets At Home to buy a huge bag of charcoal biscuits in a desperate, yet doomed, attempt to control the gas emissions from our pair of canines.

I have chosen badly, for my visit coincides with the final week of the school holidays, and the place is rammed with small hyperactive children and their stressed-out mothers, wondering why this summer of Hell is never-ending.

I arrive at the tills to find one tiny tearaway hammering at the Perspex screen separating the rabbits from dozens of hyperactive six-year-olds, and his mother trying to drag him away while simultaneously trying to buy cat food an a fish tank.

"Stop it, Oscar," she says, in a voice that says "I'm so, so, so tired, please go back to school so I may sleep forever."

A minor miracle occurs, and Oscar stops bothering the bunnies and instead turns to me.

"I've got a rabbit, you know," he says.

Scared that any reply might render me some sort of kiddie-fiddler, I do my best to ignore him. But then Oscar lands the hammer blow.

"He's called Nipples."

"BWA HA HA HA HARRRGH!" I said, which I believe is the only acceptable response in the circumstances.

"Oscar!" Mum says, "What have I told you about strange men?"

I could not let this dreadful slur stand.

"Strange? He's the one being strange, lady."

She pays for her purchases, gathers her brood, and leaves.

"Help me. I'm so tired."


Robert Smith said...

Snap! The same thing happened to me yesterday at the Soopermarket. A little girl with her mother in front of me at the checkout said "'ello mister!". Then she tugged at my jacket and repeated "'ELLO MISTER!". Mother took no notice whatsoever. So I said "Excuse me madam, can you tell your child to stop bothering me please?". Her reply was "Fuck off!". Such a sweet 20+ something, foul mouthed fat tub of lard, and smelly girl! No doubt her little girl will grow up to to be just like her mother. . . .

TRT said...

NIbbles. Get your ears cleaned out. Perfectly respectable name for a bunny wabbit.

Unless it's a playboy bunny of course. In which case nipples makes sense too.