Friday, December 04, 2015

Why Superman is a dick. And Batman as well, come to mention it.



Dick
Jane has a controversial opinion when it comes to the world's favourite superhero, and it is this: Superman is a dick. I thoroughly agree, and would go further: Superman is a gold-plated tub-thumping bell-end.

Why all this hate for the Man of Steel, you ask. You know he's an orphan, light years away from his home on the planet Krypton - why do you want to make him sad? And it's because of this: Superman is a dick.

Here's why he's a dick: He's got amazing powers that outstrip any force on this planet, yet he chooses only to solve one very minor problem at a time. Somebody getting mugged in a Metropolis alleyway? No problem, cape-boy is there sorting out the small-time crook. Lorry hanging over the edge of a bridge? The driver is whisked to safety, and the cargo of puppies is delivered to the fur coat factory. What a man. What a dick.

How about world hunger, Superman? You could use your superpowers to irrigate all the desert regions of the world and plant sustainable crops that could save the lives of billions. Not a fucking peep.

World peace? Yeah, you flew all the nuclear weapons into the heart of the sun, and see what low-budget chaos your actions brought to thestreets of Milton Keynes, you dick. How about Islamic State? How about North Korea, Assad, Eritrea, Boko Haram? Get down there, punch a few faces until they cry uncle. But you won't, because you're a dick.

Even Lex Luthor thinks you're a dick, and he's a dick
I mean – you proved you could wind back time and change history. So what did you do? You used it to save your girlfriend. Nobody else. Just Lois Lane. The prize-winning journalist who is so unobservant you could put a pair of glasses on her dog, and she'd think it was a different dog.

Why didn't you wind back time a little further and punch Lex Luthor in the cock to stop him setting off that nuke in the first place? Why don't you go back further and fuck up Hitler?

You won't, because you're a dick.

And as for Batman: "Hmm, I'd like to do something good for Gotham with all my billions. I know – I'll dress up as a bat." You DICK.

Dick (left) and dick (right)

5 comments:

Anthony Webb said...

So, orphan with his underwear on outside his trousers = dick. Thankfully British orphans have more sense. You don't see Bond or the Saint with trouser problems do you?

Anonymous said...

A fine post . . . and so, so true !

Spiderman

TRT said...

And Robin's a real Dick.

Mr Larrington said...

ALL superheroes are dicks. Trufax.

The Aunt said...

To be fair, Scary, Bruce Wayne does a lot for Gotham's poor through his philanthropy as well as getting his ya-yas off with extreme sport crimefighting.