Several things I have done in the last week or so:* sold my house for considerably less than the asking price
* bought a house for considerably less than the asking price
* found out that the people who bought my house for considerably less than the asking price didn't really want to buy my house at all
* ranted and raved at the people who are no longer buying my house for considerably less than the asking price, saying they deserve to have a poo shoved through their letter box, it being the only language that kind of person understands
* decided to revive the forgotten art of pooing through letterboxes, because it is the only language that kind of person understands
* procured a milk crate and a large aluminium funnel in order to achieve the optimum angle of entry for same
* alerted British Olympic committee of my availability for same in 2008 Beijing Games
* discovered that sneezing whilst trying to hold in an enormous poo is A Very Bad Thing, it being the kind of language that my bottom does not understand
* used the phrase 'The day I give up wanking is the day they prize my cock from my cold, dead fingers' in an email to polite company
* discovered a big red button in my car that says "Do not press", which I pressed
The car stopped, and I found I didn't need the presence of some random letterbox to crap myself, for it was the electronic ignition cut-off. Which was, in retrospect, why they had hidden it behind a great big panel in the first place.
Live and learn.
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