Oh, spoons - it's that time of year yet again. That time of year when those really organised people in your life send you a Christmas card. An expensive Christmas card with a not-entirely-discreet charity logo on the back, and that dreaded, neatly folded piece of paper that falls into your lap. The round robin letter.Having electronic EXCELLENCE at my fingertips, I can't be bothered to send one of these crimes against taste to my neither-nearest-nor-dearest. I just stick it on the internet as a warning to others. Seeing as last year's effort went down rather well, I expect you'll like to know what we at Duck Mansions* have been up to in 2008...
In fact, you may wish to cut-and-paste this into your annual family Christmas message. Just change the names and - boosh! - instant smugness. It'll save sending a card. In fact, it'll save having to talk to anybody at all over the Furtive Season. Let me know how you get on.
Duck Family Newsletter 2008!!
Dear [Insert name here]!!
Whew! What a breath-taking year it's been for all of us!! Once again, we've been busy, busy, busy, and we've hardly got the time to put pen to paper!!
Once again, I've been able to flex my muscles, and despite turning forty-two this year, my four gold medals from Beijing were the talk of the front AND back pages of all the papers! They said it couldn't be done, but I managed separate golds in rowing, cycling, AND the 100m races both in the pool and on the track. The world records were a nice bonus, too, and Her Majesty was SO graceful as she handed over the CBE.
Next time, she told me, it'll be a knighthood. So I gave her a wink and said "Same time, next year, then!" and we both laughed and laughed and made a joke about the poor lollipop ladies and footballers who only get an MBE. Keep it to yourself - this kind of thing is supposed to be hush-hush!!!
The whole thing didn't quite go to plan, as those pesky Russians tried to spoil it for me by invading Georgia, knowing FULL WELL that my peacekeeping efforts would be compromised by my efforts for Queen and Country in Beijing. Little did Vladimir Putin know that my charming wife drives just as hard a bargain, something he only found out as her cock-punch unerringly found his groin, ensuring an early Russian surrender.
Our friends in Washington were so impressed by her diplomacy that they cancelled last month's election, and appointed her as President of the United States, for life. How she's going to balance that with in her Am-Dram with Kenneth Branagh, her career as a neuro-surgeon AND running a busy home is anybody's guess!!
In the meantime, Scaryduckling has taken her GCSEs two years early, and used her new-found skills to solve the world financial crisis, by making everybody give all the money back - a solution which somehow eluded the so-called finest brains of our civilisation, and forced Alistair Darling to go on television to admit he is the King of the Gits. All this while embarking in a major stadium tour of Europe, supported by Radiohead AND a reformed Beatles!!
The lad Scaryduck Junior's also gone from strength to strength, wresting golf's Ryder Cup away from those uptight American wallahs, and posting a record-breaking round of 18 in the Open Championship. All the prize money's going to come in handy as he designs and builds the Space Shuttle replacement for NASA. He'll get his homework done as soon as he and his genetically-modified monkey butler come down from orbit!!
And as for Lucy Minogue, our darling little King Charles Cavalier – she pulled out of Crufts this year – which she has won three years in a row – in a much publicised spat over alleged cruelty in dog shows. It was her own decision, and we back her fully over her well-aimed cock-punch on the boss of the Kennel Club. We laughed and laughed!! We didn't miss the prize money, though, as she was clever enough to strike oil in our back garden whilst burying a bone – rolling back the global price of oil and solving the UK's financial woes into the bargain. Good dog!!
PHEW!!! That's just about it from us. Hope you had a good year, too. Though, frankly, we couldn't give a monkey's chuff.
Blissfully yours,
Lord S Duck of Smugsville OBE CBE VC (and bar) KFC Ph.D
* No, really. We've got a mansion each. We really are quite unbearably smug
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