Friday, May 29, 2009

On Alfred Spezzo

On Alfred Spezzo

"Did you see that film last night?"

No. No I did not see that film last night, for I was hard at work, posting crap onto Twitter.

"Which one?" I ask of my fragrant wife.

"You know – ITV, late night. Had him in it."

Oh, HIM.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You know – nice bloke. He was in that film."

Lost me, completely.

"Which film? You're talking gibberish now."

"That scary one. Silence of the Lambs."

"Aaaaah – got you. Anto…"

"Alfred something. Alfred Spezzo."

"You are – my dear – completely wrong. I can tell you with a high degree of confidence that it is NOT Alfred Spezzo."

"Oh, right – you're SO sure with your high-fallutin' accent telling me Alfred Spezzo wasn't in Silence of the Lambs, The Mask of Zorro and that other film with Aflred Spezzo in."

"Yes. Yes I am. Also: Your mum."

"Oh yeah? Spacker."

"It's SIR Alfred Spezzo, as ane fule kno."

She looks triumphant. I like a triumphant look on a woman.

"There you are, then. It also had Anthony Hopkins in it."


So, in a fit of pique I fired up my laptop and - "Ah ha! Just as I thought!" - there is NO Sir Alfred Spezzo in the IMDB database.

I stormed out to the safety of my shed and my priceless collection of wall fixings, pausing only to bowk rich brown vomit into a hedge. That'll learn her.

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