On sticking your nose into the pizza business where it's not wanted

On sticking your nose into the pizza business where it's not wanted

Oh Lordy, he's back and this time he wants garlic bread with cheese. This week, Kim Jong-Il, leader of the world's number one military-first juche dictatorship sends a letter to Pizza Hut

Dear Mr Hut

Firstly, as leader of the world's number one military-first juche dictatorship, allow me to send my condolences over the death of your brother Jabba at the hands of the rebel scum. If I had my way, I'd have had them ground up and used as a range of tasty new pizza toppings!!!

Joking aside, I had the misfortune of visiting one of your restaurants on a recent visit to the capitalist lackey puppet city of Southampton (dog turd capital of the world), and I hope you accept the following criticisms in the manner they were written (for eg FUCKING ANNOYED).

- Salad cart. Thousand Island dressing is little more than the spunk of capitalists, and croutons their dried-up turds. Stop this sick filth NOW

- Main courses. I note you still persist in marketing pizzas with pineapple despite my repeated warnings. You may as well have crouched over each and every pizza and decorated them with a freshly laid turd. You BASTARDS

- Drinks. "Free refills on Coca-Cola". I'm not even going to go there except to say "the frozen piss of the exploited working classes"

Now, contrary to popular opinion, I am a forgiving kind of dictator, and I shall save you PAINFUL DEATH by DEATH RAY that is most certainly not mounted on my newly-launched Kwangmyongsong-2 satellite for the peaceful use of space.

Instead, to save you all from PAINFUL DEATH by DEATH RAY that is most certainly not mounted on my newly-launched Kwangmyongsong-2 satellite for the peaceful use of space, you might want to try a few of my suggestions. You will be pleased to hear they centre round the extensive use of dog, of which we have a plentiful supply.

- Dog salad (mostly brown), very popular with military-first juche idealist workers, their bodies puffed up with patriotic desires to explode like a human bomb, shouting hurrahs that shake both heaven and earth

- Dog Super Supreme Pizza, with stuffed crusts (Stuffed crusts mostly brown), fills the hearts of the revolutionary workers, who sick it all up like a rainbow over sacred Mount Paektu, such is their desire to eat it all over again with increased patriotic fervour

- Dog Cola (a by-product of my newly-launched Kwangmyongsong-2 satellite for the peaceful use of space), spurs the workers to ever greater zeal in pursuit of glorifying our nation's honourable revolutionary tradition. May contain traces of amphetamine sulphate

- 300-foot floodlit statue of Kylie Minogue and her wonky-eyed sister Dannii, standing athwart the entrance to each and every Kim Hut restaurant, naked and soapy (Dog joke here, LOL)

If you can't get Kylie and Dannii, how about Holly Willoughby? If I had my way, I'd invite her to Pyongyang, kidnap her and force her to star in my own science fiction blockbuster.

Yes. Holly. Both of her.

On that note, I have to go and lie down for a bit.

I look forward to your reply agreeing with my proposals, and avoiding PAINFUL DEATH by DEATH RAY that is most certainly not mounted on my newly-launched Kwangmyongsong-2 satellite for the peaceful use of space.

Your pal

Kim Jong-Il