Thursday, June 02, 2011

On spending an £11m government grant

On spending an £11m government grant

There's a local pressure group down in Weymouth and Portland who are campaigning against the building of a Palm Oil power station in the locality.

Whatever the rights and wrongs (Renewable power = good; Importing palm oil from the other side of the world = bad), it has certainly sparked a local debate, not least due to the £11m annual government grant the project will be receiving at a time when local services are being hacked to the bone.

So, they ask by way of a competition, to what better use could this money go? Prize = Slap-up meal.

Red rag. Bull.

Dear Nope,

Very simple solution to your money problem: The £11m could be spent on 1.1 billion penny chews from a local sweet shop. The money won't be wasted, and we'll be supporting a local business into the bargain (not to mention the Guangzhou No.1 Penny Chew and Lead Figurine Concern in southern China, the acknowledged leaders in the field).

Now, taking into account that each chew measures roughly one inch by half-an-inch, the sweets can be used as a road surface that will completely pave the road from Easton Square, down through Fortuneswell, across the Causeway, through Weymouth and all the way to the County Council offices in the centre of Dorchester, a distance of some 14.5 miles.

If you get stuck in a traffic jam and you're feeling a bit peckish, you can simply lean out of your vehicle, grab a handful of penny chews and you're completely sorted, safe in the knowledge that there's another £11m coming next year from central government to repair any 'holes' in the road.

I know what you're thinking: Blue-Tac doesn't come cheap, and what else is going to hold all these sweets down? I've thought of that as well - simply do the work on a particularly hot day, and the sun will do the rest. Mmm... I can taste that sweet, sweet road surface already.

Your pal, Albert O'Balsam
If that doesn't win, there's something wrong with the world.

No comments: