Tuesday, December 04, 2012

On effective New Year Resolutions (In which your author does something useful for a change)

It's that time of year again, as the old year withers and dies like ...well... anything that gets planted in my garden that people start thinking of their New Year Resolutions. And, let's face it, most of the resolutions are going to end up very much like that pet puppy you'll be giving to a spoilt nephew: Tolerated for a week, before being stoved over the head, and left at the side of the road for the crows.

Go on a diet. Walk the dog daily. Be nice to the boss and work hard for that promotion. Give up smoking. Cut down on the old booze. You know full well you'll be taking three-hour boozy, faggy lunch breaks while the dog steadily piles on the pound. All this, we guarantee, by the 10th day of the New Year.

On the other hand,  I'm going to think out of the box, and try for resolutions that are really useful. Resolutions that are going to make a difference to people's lives. I pledge, in 2013, that I'm going to:

* Stop telling confused tourists "you really must visit the delightful village of Tower Hamlets"

* Use the disabled toilets more often, to check the facilities are working properly

* Respect my colleagues: Only use two parking spaces in the office car park instead of the usual three

* Help old ladies across the road, whether they want to see what's on the opposite side of the M3 motorway or not

* Stop covering up the word "not" on important-looking signs at the zoo

Or, alternatively, you could join the British Humanist Association's Resolution Revolution campaign, and go out and do something properly useful. Give blood. Join a voluntary group. Bake a cake for your neighbour, without even putting something horrible in it. Help the disadvantaged. Make a difference to the world. You know you want to.

I've been meaning to give the red stuff for some time now, but have always found a piss-poor excuse to get out of it. This is me, saying in public, that I'm going to give blood in 2013. Not just the blood from some tramp I found going through the bins behind Waitrose - my own blood. A whole arm-full, if need be.

My other resolution: Guilt-trip my readers.

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