Monday, December 23, 2013

Scarytale of Blue Pork

To B&Q to spend an improbable amount on a new bathroom, my attention drawn away from the salesman by the low quality in- store music.

Now, I've written about B&Q's music before, specifically how they take medium sized hits and album tracks and throw them to a covers band to make almost-but-not-quite soundalike versions which are inflicted on the general public. The result is a cross between "Hey - I know this song. But that's not The Verve, is it?  Is it?"

"The Verve? More like 'The Bloody Nerve'. Am I right? Eh? EH?"

So, as the chap was trying to find the second cheapest bath taps on the computer system, the immortal opening line came from the speaker system: "It was Christmas Eve babe, in the drunk tank...

Jane: "That's not actually The Pogues, is it?"

Me: "Can't be. He doesn't sound like he's been gargling with gravel and vodka"

Jane: "That's not Kirsty MacColl either. More like WORSTY MacColl" 

Poor, dead Kirsty.

Then came a version of Merry Christmas (War is Over) that made you want to start a war.

Never change your music, B&Q, it's a conversation starter.


#Debi said...

Pretty much every version of Merry Christmas (War is Over) makes me want to start a war.

Anonymous said...

Lord t'underin' Jaysus b'y, it's "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)"! There's nowt 'merry' or 'christ' about it!

I'm so distraught I can't be arsed to provide y'all with a live hyperlink to that page.

I too wish to start wars in retribution for aural assaults by poor covers of classics. Alas, Mr. Duck, any war would, at best, result only in a pyrrhic victory. The real ones cost more and the resultant expense would be transferred straight through to the consumer. I know how these capitalists work - the filthy swine!

I would, however, quite enjoy a cover of the Electric Six classic by, say, Iron Maiden or perhaps Megadeath.

Let's start a war, start a nuclear war,
At the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar.
At the gay bar.
Now Tell me do ya?, but do ya have any money?
I wanna spend all your money,
At the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar.

Dioclese said...

Yep - you just correctly identified why this little gem was written..

TRT said...

"If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning..."

Robin of Locksley said...

Talking of pork, Alistair, what's happening with Sky Meat Woman these days ?

Alistair Coleman said...

Robin: We got a Christmas card from her. She called me "Pete". We sent her one back from Dave.