Sunday, September 01, 2002

"Pr0n news"

We all know that the internet is only there for one thing. Or two, if you count all that Star Trek Wesley Crusher Klingon Gang Rape stuff in the "not porn" category. In an effort to see what people really use the web for, we surveyed the “spy” facilities offered by several popular search engines and found an all-too-predictable litany of porn, bad spelling and stupidity. I swear, I haven't changed anything. These are all genuine net searches. If you don't believe me, go look for yourself.

Evil Jeeves
Evil Jeeves - nothing to do with AskJeeves, Inc whatsoever

Ask Jeeves is a case in point. Jeeves has a tendency to make your search sound like your some sort of anal retentive, but you can see the stupidity shining through:

Where can I find information about and sexy pictures of the celebrity Pamela Anderson? - You mean you actually need to ask?
Could you please direct me to the Internet search engine Yahoo!? - No.
Could you please direct me to the Internet search engine excite? - Look, I already told you once already...
Why are boogers green? - Because they are. Live with it.
Where can I find instructions for masturbation? - Try practising by yourself.
What are the dimensions of the average penis? - Twenty seven inches
Is there any way to enlarge my penis?
Where can I learn about the sexual practice cunnilingus?
Am I a slut?
What are some different sexual positions we can try? - And I hardly know you.
How can I find someone? - Switch your computer off. Go outside.

The late-lamented Excite search voyeur was the acknowledged home of the sex-crazed retard. No wonder they pulled the plug...

swedish latex lezbo's
"Live Dolls"
hot tub dealers in oregon
how to use a gun - point long end away from you. Pull trigger.
looking for cindy hubbard in chicago illinos - aren’t we all?
"Index of the Web"
surch engine

Funnily enough, now that this facility doesn't exist, typing "Excite search voyeur" into now takes you to a porno site. There's irony for you.

Metacrawler is a fascinating insight into the open sewer that is the mind of the average internet user. It's foul. It's disgusting. It's even got filthy banner ads just in case you didn't get the message the first time round. Choose the "unfiltered" search for worst results:

peeenis enlargement - looks like you’ve enlarged it already!
free piss stories - you mean people CHARGE for piss stories?
Masturbation Techniques - Aaaaargh!!!
underage beasteality - the entire web summed up in two words.
hugeboobs - better still, the internet in ONE word
nude barbers
bizar sex
hard scoolgirl porn - from someone who obviously didn’t listen at scool
horse cums rubbing - you didn’t see this, keep scrolling down
lager penis - I always knew it tasted like piss
instant money - just add water
McDonald's Restaurants - you sick, sick bastards.

Kanoodle on the other hand, appears to be frequented by over-50s in cardigans and carpet slippers on the lookout for long-winded discussions on the merits of building scale models of the Titanic out of matchsticks:

free crochet patterns
camping holidays in scandinavia
mortgage loan calculator
automated optical inspection
traffic surveillance equipment
induction heating manufacturer

These people are sick and must be stopped.

Getting back on track, the German search directory Fireball shows us that the teutonic mind is not only on the same track as the English-speaking world, but far, far, far fouler. A veritable mine of Sodom and Gomorrah.

pferdevagina - “Pferde” is German for “Horse”. That’s all you need to know.
masturbation techniken - Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!
danish porn - What? German porn not good enough for you?
big butts free gallery
hot midgets
bondage vater tochter
"anal dildo" - note highly educated use of speech marks
death to sheena easton - at last, sanity is restored

"So, what have we learned today?" Number one: I'm in the wrong job. Where do I sign up for pr0n? And Number Two: What is the average length of the male penis?


Rather disappointing 1-1 draw today for the mighty Arsenal at London rivals Chelsea. This is a team full of tossers we should be beating handsomely on every occasion, but yet another soft goal, injuries, bad form and the almost habitual sending-off of Patrick Vieira sort of put the lid on the whole affair. On the plus side, the spiffy Kolo Toure scored his first goal for the club, but facts be facts - the Sperz are still top of the league. Enjoy it while you can, retards - the only way is down.

"Celebrity Reproduction News"

Grudging congratulations should go at this point to David and Victoria Beckham on the birth of their second son, who they have called Romeo. Bearing in mind that their first brat Brooklyn was named after the place he was allegedly conceived, can we assume that this little bundle of joy-sponsored-by-Hello!-Magazine was the result of a fumble in the back seat of a 1982 Alfa?

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