Friday, September 06, 2002

"Where your wheelie bin?"

The Chinese government cares for it's people (yeah, right). They routinely block internet sites that they think are harmful to the good people of China. You can test whether a site is blocked or not by using the spiffy Harvard Law School Real Time Net Filtering tool. So I tried it. is blocked in China. isn't. Damn you Chairman Mao! What the gayers got that I haven't?

If it's any consolation, your average Chinese sex pervert has unfettered access to porn megasites thumbilla and free6. Whatever they are. I really wouldn't know. At all. *coff*

“Never cut your own hair”

No, really. Don’t do it. If you’re anything like me, you are neither double jointed nor able to see the back of your head. And like me, I bet you’ve also got the hand/eye coordination of a Spanish Air Traffic Controller. Result: mess.

The trouble is, my hair grows like that bit in "An American Werewolf in London" where our lupine hero turns from genial tourist to raving, and really rather hairy, wolf in a matter of seconds. A couple of weeks after a scalping I resemble a cross between 1970's Michael Jackson and a German footballer. In short, I possess the ability to have an afro and a mullet at the same time. I am also a notorious tightwad and I will avoid paying for a haircut for as long as possible. And before you know it, I'm sitting in front of a mirror with my Nicky Clarke hair clippers trying to work out which way round the dangerous bit is.

It started off so well. Number three comb, zip, zip zip. Looking good. Then, the comb falls off the front of the clippers. I don't notice. Zip. I now have a bald streak running from front to back. I try to blend it in. No dice. I try to reach round the back. Arms don't work back-to-front, and I can't see what I'm doing anyway.

I present myself to Mrs Scary. I look like Sven-Goran Eriksson turned mohican. Through tears of laughter she finishes the job, but just as a reminder of my raging incompetence, she cuts the back at right angles. I now have a square head. Cheers, dear.

Let that be a lesson to you all. Think once. Think twice. Think Don't Try To Cut Your Own Hair Without Thinking About How Stupid You'll Look.

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