Mystic Scary has spoken. Today's lucky word is fishcakes. Use this knowledge wisely.
Aries: You are doomed to a life of supporting Charlton Athletic Football Club.
Taurus: Today you will be constantly mistaken for Su Pollard. Stay at home.
Gemini: You will wake up tomorrow morning covered in tattoos, in the arms of a Russian sailor on a tramp steamer to Vladivostok.
Cancer: You will die from ebola after kissing your granny. Serves you right, she's been dead since 1985.
Leo: Funny that you're a Leo, as you'll be savaged to death by escaped circus lions. Next Tuesday. See if I'm right.
Virgo: Mars is rising in Venus. Which means you'll pot the black ball in the corner pocket and win a prize. The downside is that Mad Mickah will lose a fortune in side bets and he'll cut your legs off.
Libra: You are part of the Axis of Evil and deserve everything that's coming to you. No, hang on, that's Libya. Sorry.
Scorpio: Your firm belief in the powers of Feng Shui will result in a horrible, slow, painful death in a bizarre wind-chime accident.
Sagytar... Stagitaru... Sagittarius: Good news. You have a secret admirer who wants to have mind-blowing sex with you RIGHT NOW. Bad News. It's the massed pipes and drums of the Coldstream Guards
Capricorn: Your family will show their deep and abiding love for you by buying you a butt plug.
Aquarius: You will lose both your legs in a bizarre spacehopper accident. On the bright side, you will never have to go shopping for shoes ever again.
Pisces: Your inability to tell shampoo from battery acid will be your downfall.
If it's your birthday: Happy birthday. You're the only one celebrating. Everybody else has forgotten, even your mum.
More of this lunacy here.