It is common knowledge to any reader of the hang 'em and flog 'em tabloid press that crime is running rampant in this country. You can't leave your front door without hoardes of immigrant muggers and pickpockets descending on your person and beating you to a bloody pulp for the contents of your wallet. Meanwhile, armies of drug-addled burglars are turning over your home and murdering your granny in her bed. Something's got to be done. Where's Superman when you need him?*
David Blunkett's obviously not doing his job as the total number of violent criminals to be savaged to death by his guide dog is yet to reach double figures as violent crime rages out of control across this green and pleasant land*** It is obvious to any clean-living, god-fearing middle-class Little Englander that something has to be done about this state of affairs, and that is where our independent think-tank, The Clean-Living, God-Fearing Middle-Class Little Englander Association comes in.
Our plans are radical. It is clear that most crime is perpetrated by poor people. The liberal solution to this would be to give them money to stop them from being poor. However, our studies conclude that they only go and spend this money not of "cups of tea" or "my train fare back to Glasgow" but on booze and drugs and only goes to encourage them further, following us about and calling us "Jimmy". Instead, we aim to give them the very thing they crave - red-hot, class-A prescription drugs of the highest quality.
And that's the nub. These punks, crooks, scoungers and ne'er-do-wells may think they're getting top quality heroin, but instead, we are pumping their veins full of Mogadon. Pretty soon, they'll be too knackered out to rob old ladies and the crime problem will be solved. This has the addded advantage of making the subject miss his signing-on appointment at the Job Centre, saving the tax-payer a small fortune in benefits. A win-win solution, I think you'll agree.
The road to this solution was not a smooth one. Attempts to ply the subjects with viagra caused no end of trouble and we are banned from the dry-cleaners, and we will never look at a barber shop floor in the same way again. Only the application of chilli sauce to the private parts saved a national catastrophe.
Our work continues with an experiment to force wrong-doers to attend Jim Davidson concerts our latest experiment in retribution, providing we get the go-ahead from the people who run the Geneva Convention. Bloody Swiss.
* In a wheelchair.**
*** copyright Daily Express 1880-2004