"This kind of thing doesn't happen to James Bond", said the low-quality Meatloaf impersonator during a recent hellish two-hour replacement bus service, laid on by the wanktards that run South West Trains. That is, I pointed out, because he's a fictional character. But then, what if it did...?
Q: Now listen carefully 007. As you know, government cutbacks have hit this department hard, but we're not going to send you out into the field without the proper equipment. Take this.
Bond: What is it?
Q: It is, 007, what is known as an Oyster Card. Touch in, touch out. All zones, just make sure you stay in Central London. The paperwork gets hellish otherwise.
Bond: But what about SPECTRE? We hear they've just relocated to Swindon.
Q: Well, Bond, you are, what they say in the service "fucked". I suggest you get yourself down to Chiswick and stick out your thumb.
Bond: But what about weapons? SPECTRE are already threatening the world with their brain-melting deathray. I can hardly go in unarmed.
Q: I'm glad you asked me that, 007. Take a look at this little number the lads in Q Division have knocked out for you.
Bond: It's a baseball bat, Q.
Q: Very observant, 007. But it is no ordinary baseball bat - one twist of the handle and look - it's got a house-brick nailed to it.
Bond: How very re-assuring. The civilised world can sleep soundly tonight.
Q: That's the spirit, Bond. Now, are you ready to go? Spare underwear?
Q: Luncheon Vouchers?
Q: And remember to look both ways when you cross the road. It's a nasty old world out ther.
Bond: Thank you, Q.
Q: And one final thing Bond. Rubber Johnnies do not count as a legitimate business expense. You can't imagine the ear-bending I got off Moneypenny.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee! for doing your shopping off the Tesco website.
They must have got the new kid on today - all the stuff we ordered that was "2 for 1" must have confused the poor windowlicker. We got four of everything, including enough bog roll to last until armageddon* in a disturbing replay of Tesco's current unfunny TV advert.
Rather disappointed, however, at the lack of comedy substitutions: "We were unable to find RAGU ORIGINAL FLAVOUR 375g, so we have substituted TAMPAX 24 EXTRA-ABSORBANT instead." They are, I fear, losing their touch.
*or unless we get dysentry off the frightening pile of ham & pineapple pizzas they sent us by way of a Brucey Bonus.