On this day in History
1984: A team led by British professor Benny Hill detonates the world's first Dirty Bomb at a test facility in ITV's South Bank studios in London. The ensuing fall-out will fill TV schedules for the next fifteen years
1980: A young Robbie Williams picks up a gold medal in the World Firing Golf Balls Out of Your Arse Championships. Williams will later find fame as a fat dancer
1973: A tired and emotional football superstar George Best is arrested in London wearing nothing but frilly knickers and a see-through bra. The arresting officer, PC Lloyd-Webber, is seen scribbling copious notes at the scene of the crime, and subsequently leaves the force
1967: The Great Fire of Clacton, a raging inferno which destroys a litter bin and a candy floss booth in this popular seaside resort
1961: The Beatles hit the charts for the first time with "The Blacksmith's Song/Oh, I'm a Stupid Dicky-di-dildo"
1852: HRH Prince Albert introduces golden showers into the United Kingdom for the first time. Previously, sexual fetishists would sprinkle each other with house dust, a practice known as "Blunketting"
1630: The astronomer Galileo Galilei observes "a monstrous spectral eye, staring back at me through myne apparatus whene'er I make myne observations of the nyght skye", the first recorded instance of "leaving the lens cap on"
1372: Pope Leo XII marries a snail, denouncing slug-fanciers as "heretics", marking the start of the Thirty Years' Slime Terror
327BC: The Battle of Onanista, "the world's most embarrassing military manouevre", in which Alexander the Great accidentally went to battle with himself, giving rise to the phrase "to beat yourself off"
Stomm! Judgment Thursday
I'm in Oxford today, and I've left the wrong person in charge again:
Your attention, law-breakers. Judge Duckuss commands you, by the powers vested in him by the Chief Judge of Mega City One, to vote for one of the following tales of woe, which will no doubt earn their author a lengthy spell in the iso-cubes. Drokk! Choose, and choose well, for the Cursed Earth awaits you:
* The Breakfast Club – "Warning: may contain lesbians"
* The Eyes have it – "Warning: may contain Old, Dark Ones"
* Pole-Dancing – "Warning: may contain Poles, from Poland"
* Gullible Twat – "Warning: may contain rank stupidity"
* The Operator –"Warning: may contain the word 'fuck'*"
* Warning: This warning, warning of the word 'fuck', contains the word 'fuck'