I remember the days when we had just the one bin. Every Sunday night I could be seen standing on top of it, trying to get the lid down in time for Monday morning's collection of household waste, dead badgers and assorted engine parts, which would then be thoughtfully buried in a big hole in the ground. Of course, that big hole in the ground would one day become a large, new hill and the future venue for the town's dry ski slope; which just goes to show that slashing and burning the planet's resources does have its uses.
But no. Apparently, dry ski slopes and big hills with their own supply of methane gas have fallen out of fashion, and in the name of preventing our low-lying coasts from disappearing into the sea, we've got to stop landfilling and start recycling.
So, instead of seeing my hairy-arsed bin men once a week, we've now got the following rota, and more bins than I can shake a shitty recycled stick at:
* Monday: waste paper, glossy magazines with the pages tuck together
* The other Monday: plastics, perished rubber goods
* Tuesday: Tins and glass
* The other Tuesday: Garden waste
* Thursday: Food waste and cardboard (handy if you are on an all-McDonalds diet)
* Friday: General waste, dead badgers and engine parts
* Daily: Dog poo, through letterboxes
This is quite obviously a huge pain in the arse, but we can happily sort our waste full in the knowledge that we're saving Norfolk from a terrible, terrible fate. If only we'd started thinking out of the box:
Global warming is a menace that will affect each and every one of us, and we must do everything we can to protect our country against rising sea levels predicted by these so-called "greens".
But why should we sacrifice our luxurious standard of living when the answer is staring us all in the face? Instead of burying all our refuse in expensive and wasteful landfill sites outside every large town in the country, why don't councils simply sell their waste to coastal areas, which would simply use this rubbish to build higher sea walls as a defence against melting polar ice caps?
The thought of burying Brighton in a huge wall of household waste, used sanitary products, dead badgers and engine parts fills me with great joy. I can only encourage citizens to make a start on this plan right away by labelling their rubbish sacks "Freepost, Brighton".
This scheme would also encourage seagulls to actually live by the sea where they belong, which is a bit of a bonus, in which everybody wins. Except people who live by the sea, obviously.
I am not mad.