People who deserve a punch
Some people exist just to get on my tits, and frankly they deserve a good, hard punch up the bottom. In no particular order:
* People who say: “Do you know who’d make a great Doctor Who? Dawn French”
* People - especially those who run or have recently taken part in buzzword-bingo driven management seminars - who say "Don't assume – you just make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'." I've got an assumption for you, mate: You're a cunt.
* Made-up TV singing group G4 for releasing an “operatic” (used in the loosest possible context) version of Bowie’s “Life on Mars”. It’s wrong – pure and simple, and quite the funniest thing I have ever heard if it wasn’t so sacrilegious.
In fact, you can actually recreate the G4 sound in the comfort of your own home without the expense and embarrassment of buying the record. Simply stand in front of the bathroom mirror, take a big mouthful of Listerine mixed with bleach and sing the following: "Hey man - look at those cavemen go”. It’s what the fat one does, and is entirely authentic. Then leave the comfort of your home, seek out these G4 tarts, and give them a punch.
* Caravan owners, who should actually be forced to punch themselves to save us the futile waste of energy.
* Rubbish terrorists. I am reliably informed that this whole “72 virgins” business you get on your so-called martyrdom may be up for a slight re-interpretation. Arabic scholars, you see, are in dispute over the translation of what martyrs actually get in heaven on the event of their earthly demise. Some say “virgins”, which is all well and good. Others say the word is, in fact, “raisins”. Can you imagine the embarrassment once they’ve found all your bits and stitched you back together on The Other Side? Crap terrorists – enjoy your fruitcake.
* Jimmy Carr, just to be on the safe side