With less than a week to go until one of those oh-so-special dates on the calendar that I'm not allowed to forget, I am at a loss what to get for the fragrant Mrs Duck for Mothers Day*. This is despite - and, lordy, I've looked it up - the day itself not actually being known as "Wives and Mothers Day".
I mean, we've got a perfectly good anniversary in just over a month's time. A day I cannot forget under any circumstances - we were married on Adolf Hitler's birthday. And what's wrong with that? I grew facial hair specially.
Good God, what more do these females want? As this is a proper sexist rant, I would point out that International Women's Day was only last week, a fact I made to my charming wife seconds before I demanded my dinner, on the table, NOW, "An' while you're at it, get yer knickers on an' rustle us up a cuppa tea".
"Where," I asked, recovering from a rather uncalled for kick in the 'nads "is International Men's Day?" The correct answer being, of course, the other 364 days of the year.
Any road up, you cannot currently avoid an endless stream of TV advertisements for any old crap from Neil Diamond CDs to ...err... other soppy CDs, all with the strapline "The Perfect Gift for Mothers Day".
This is a claim, and I'm sure you're with me on this, which is crap on two counts. Number one, I'm the one who wants the Neil Diamond CD (for sound and utterly valid reasons which Sigmund Freud could have written entire volumes about); and second, I'm not entirely certain that your average mother actually wants this crap.
Scary Sister, for example, despite her worrying knitting habits, would probably rip both your arms off for the entire Nine Inch Nails back catalogue and a backstage pass at Glastonbury; while Mrs Duck would clearly purchase every Westlife disc on the market, before inserting them violently up their bottoms. And she would not be out of order.
So: "The Perfect Gift For Mothers Day" is clearly an advertising executive's myth. In which case, I am open to your suggestions. Guys! What are you buying for women of the female persuasion? No-Tails! What, exactly do you want? Contrary to what you might have heard, we are not mind-readers.
My list so far - correct me if I am worng in any way whatsoever:
- Ten Inches, or, failing that...
- Alan Rickman Real Doll in a number of realistic, undraped poses
- Front row tickets to the Chippendales and an AK47 assault rifle
- Steady, well-paid work at a local lap-dancing club with adequate child-care facilities
* Fellow grammar Nazis! I am fully aware that there is an apostrophe in 'Mothers Day'. Unfortunately, no bugger can work out where it goes, so I shall duck the issue by not bothering. That is all.
Also: Congrats to Arseblog, Girl with a one-track mind and Zoe MyBoyfriendIsATwat, who are all officially The Best Blogs In The World.
Arseblogger's gong will be the only silverware the Arsenal are going to win this season, so, on a winning streak that he is, I encourage him to turn up with his boots at tomorrow's game against Aston Villa, where Arsene Wenger should stick him up front if he's got any sense. A big "Woo!" to all of you.