Here's a tip.
When your local Budgens supermarket realises that it has hopelessly overstocked on fresh green vegetables and marked it all down to 20p, don't - whatever you do - buy all the spinach in the world and eat it all in two rampant, steamy sessions thinking that you are doing yourself a power of good.
That's as maybe. You need your five-a-day, after all.
However - and I take this as a scandal of global proportions - colonic apocalypse lurks just around the corner.
For what they don't tell you is that you'll still be doing green poo a week later. That's something they never mentioned on the Popeye cartoons:
"I'm Popeye the sailor manThere are - disgustingly - no warnings on the packet. And by rights, there should be, with the same prominence as the cautions they print on cigarette packets.
I live in a caravan
I only eat spinach a bit
Because it gives me green shit
I'm Popeye the sailor man!"
"DANGER: Makes your turds go green."
And beetroot as well:
"WARNING: Makes your piss go purple."
Not to mention Extra Strong Mints:
"CAUTION: Makes your wee sting like you're passing broken glass"
I wrote to my MP, the schools minister Jim Knight on this subject which has - thanks to Jamie 'Fat Tongue' Oliver's meddling in school meals - implications for the millions of young people in this country.
Scandalously, I have yet to receive a reply.
I am not mad.