On Tesco swag
Shopping in Britain's favourite supermarket not long ago, I noticed that the person who'd gone through the till before us had left a bag of their shopping behind.
Spotting a rare chance to end the day in profit, I kept my mouth shut and loaded it into my trolley with the rest of my stuff.
1-0 to the Duck, at last.
I arrived home, having broken several traffic laws on the way, and with not a little excitement, inspected my swag:
1. One small tin of Lily-of-the-Valley talcum powder of the kind that you only ever win in school Christmas Fayre tombolas, which you then donate, unused to the Summer Fayre tombola
2. A tube of Polygrip flavour-free denture fixative
3. One packet of biblical flood-strength tampons
4. Ten-pack of Durex Extra Safe condoms
Being a bloke with all my own teeth who has recently had a vasectomy: Fuck my luck.
If you are a pensioner with an incredibly adventurous sex drive: I may have some of your shopping.
Hot diddly poop, it's a Thursday vote-o!
I haven't done a vote for a few weeks, so it's high time I threw caution to the wind and let you - dear readers - choose tomorrow's Tale of Mirth and Woe. As usual, the value of the vote-o quote-os can go down as well as up (except for the last one with is 100% of TRUTH). Choose from:
* Launcher: It was worse than he thought. As the clock ran down, he discovered that ten feet of liquid oxygen powered projectile was aimed right up his rectum
* Leaving James Behind; "I don't know what worse about you," she said, "It's like living with a cross btween Ann Noreen Widdecombe and Captain Jack Harkness. I can hardly walk."
* Red Card: "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. No. Scrub that. It was all shit. Shit with nuts in."
* Boss by Fruit: Driving along the M3 at 75mph is probably not the best time to find your car has a big red button hidden under a dashboard panel with a label reading "Do not push". What's a man to do? Still, it's good to get on the radio, even if it is the traffic news.
All contain traces of vomit, you'll be pleased to hear. Get in there!
Oh, and still plenty of time to sign up for the Scaryduck-of-Death Celebrity Death Pool, where I'm already making up the rules as I go along.