On people who deserve a good, hard cock-punch

On people who deserve a good, hard cock-punch

It is time, I have decided in my fury, for another list of people who deserve a good, hard cock-punch

* Anybody who - given a microphone, loudspeaker or any form of public address - says the words 'Testicles, testicles 1 - 2 - 3 testicles' expecting a laugh

* Ppl who use txt spk on thr blogs 4 a qwik larf. Oh.

* Fair-weather football fans who leave a match report of a recent humiliating 5-1 defeat to your local rivals on your desk while you are out of the office. Not mentioning any names, here, for I swore after that up-kilt business that I'd never blog about work. EVER.

* Family members who say things like '5-1? Is that bad then?' when you are suffering over The End Of The World

* Nissan Micra drivers. Especially those sporting a 'Super Spurs' sticker in the back window, cutting you up in your proud Arsenal-supporting actually-we've-won-the-league-title-on-several-occasions-in-living-memory-thanks Ford Escort. Marked. For. Death. For death

* Tottenham Hotspur Football Club and all those who sail in her. And Chelsea, come to think of it. And Manchester United, Liverpool, West Ham...

* People who photograph you gettin' down an' struttin' yo fancy stuff with a Disco Duck machine. Such people may, however, be excused on account of their general level of excellence. Video of an excellent afternoon at Earl's Court: HERE


Behold! The Thursday Vote-o!

Thursday strikes us down like the Duke of Edinburgh's hit squad in a Parisian underpass, and it is time, once again, to choose tomorrow's tale of mirth and woe.

You will be relieved to hear that none of the tales on these pages are puerile stories about sitting in front of the internet, wanking like safari park chimps. Certainly not - this is the highest quality smut and filth, carefully brewed to both amuse and disgust. The wanking is entirely up to you.

* Launcher: His trousers round his ankles and breathing so heavily that he wheezed menacingly like some demented Darth Vader, he answered the phone. "Hello, Childline"

* Leaving James Behind: The cameras rolled and Rene smiled. For he was the only person in the entire Deal or No Deal studio who knew what, exactly, was in Box 17. It would go down in TV history as "the Noel Edmonds gets rabies edition"

* Red Card: "These are the worst crimes I have ever had the misfortune to preside over", said the judge, "there can be only once sentence." And as the legal historians rushed to their reference books, they realised His Honour was correct. The Master of the Rolls was entitled to a fluffer.

* Bad Dog IV: "I know!" said Sir David Attenborough as the dull production meeting sprung to life, "There IS one thing we haven't filmed yet. Cocks. Great, big, elephants' cocks!" They left for the Wankie Game Reserve the next day,

* Gay: As I came to, I became aware of two things. Firstly, the distinct feeling that someone had applied some sort of lubricant to my private parts. Secondly, a familiar American accent saying the words that all heterosexual males fear: "Welcome to Torchwood"

I'm feeling particularly generous this week: Any sentences you suggest with your vote-o stands a fair-to-middling chance of appearing in the featured story. Get in!