Wednesday, January 09, 2008

On things you do in the car when you think that nobody is looking

On things you do in the car when you think that nobody is looking

Top Gear's Richard Hammond picks his arse at the wheelI am a terrible, manky bastard when driving on my own. In my little bubble of Ford Escortiness, I am immune, invisible, invincible and free to do as I please, up to and including farting like a trooper and scoring the results out of ten.

Every now and then, the bubble bursts, and my habits are lade bare before me like the King of Wrong that I am.

Here then, is a short list of disgusting, embarrassing or anti-social activities I may or may not have performed in the last months, and the excuses given in that horrible moment of realisation that You Are Not Alone:

* Pick your nose and wipe it on the steering wheel

Excuse: "It improves grip"

* Sing along to music and imagine that I am auditioning for The X Factor

Excuse: "The pop industry is crying out of somebody singing 80s synth-pop covers, dammit"

* Mouth the word 'wanker' when cut up by some smooth bastard in a BMW

Excuse: None. Too busy trying to escape by driving much, much slower than he is before darting up a side road

* Eyeing up attractive young ladies on a hot summer's day, their pert young breasts struggling against the tight, white material of their flimsy T-shirts

Excuse: "I'm looking for somewhere to pull over. Oh. No. There's a mini parked there"

* Have filthy, erotic thoughts about attractive young ladies on a hot summer's day, their pert young breasts struggling against the tight, white material of their flimsy T-shirts to take your mind off the fact you are dying for a piss

Excuse: "It's itchy, right?"

* Taking a wee into a Lucozade bottle, screwing the top back on and leaving it on the back seat for some unsuspecting passenger to find in the very near future

Excuse: "M25. Traffic jam. No services. What did you expect?"

Sorry. Won't do it again.

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