On the Scaryduckworth-Lewis Method, again
It is that time of year once more.
As the month of April rolls around, it is time to explore the zeitgeist of modern mank in order to create a new list for the Scaryduckworth-Lewis Method of Rating Things for Excellence.
For the uninitiated, the SD-L Method is a list, tried-and-tested down the years, that allows the casual reader to judge the worthiness of any particular product, item, cultural artefact or concept against a universally-agreed reference table.
For example, the music lover would rate Westlife's latest effort as a bit 'Judy Finnegan squatting over a glass table', whilst Michael Jackson's Thriller is still 'Billie Piper on a Spacehopper after all these years'.
The 2007 list in full:
0. A shaven-headed Britney Spears in a roll neck sweater
1. Lightly-oiled Ann Widdecombe giving you the eye
2. Margaret Thatcher leather whip “happy finish” massage
3. Judy Finnegan squatting over a glass table, squeezing out a portion of nutty slack
4. Vanessa Feltz in a negligee, selling a flash of her pinkness for a packet of chips, and begging for "girth"
5. Jade Goody writhing in Mango Chutney on the floor of an Indian takeaway shouting "Shilpa Poppadum" to passers-by
6. Victoria Beckham in a bikini, lapping at the very gates of Geri Halliwell
7. The Princess Anne unnamed many-tentacled woe
8. Lorraine Kelly taking advantage of Eamonn Holmes' morning glory with a chirpy "Och, there you go then!"
9. Cherie Blair and Margaret Beckett strap-on action in the back of a caravan
10. Heather Mills-McCartney using her removed wooden leg to facilitate the pleasure of Myleene Klass.
11. Susie Dent in shiny black rubber mini-dress, looking up swears in the dictionary while Carol Vorderman rubs herself against a bollard for "one easy, monthly payment."
12. Emma Thomspon on a street corner asking for "business"
13. Felicity Kendall wrapped in clingfilm, with Penelope Keith talking dirty in the background
14. Kate Winslet keeping her clothes on, mostly
15. Martha Jones discovering, to her gushing pleasure, Setting 27 on The Doctor's sonic screwdriver, screaming "I'm not Rose! I'M NOT ROSE!" at the height of her ecstasy.
16. Kate Humble in a wet T-shirt competition
17. Konnie Huq in a bath of beans, whilst Zoe Salmon scrubs her back with a french stick
18. Billie Piper riding a space-hopper over a cobbled street.
19. Nigella Lawson whipping up a creamy sauce with her tongue
20. Sarah Beeny wrestling Kirstie Allsopp in a paddling pool filled with baby oil
So: I ask for your suggestions for this year's list.
Where, dear reader, does Amy Winehouse fit in the grand scheme of things?
Does Princess Diana's sexxxy ghost make a comeback after ten years? And - riddle me this - Fern Britton: sick inna hedge, or taken roughly over the kitchen table?
Mr Rikaitch has already set the standard with "Tessa Jowell showing us her Olympic Ring".
You decide. You. YOU. How low can you go?