Loyal reader Debster has sent me another letter from her local newspaper.
"Sir," a concerned resident wrote to the Richmond and Twickenham Times, "we note from your paper the police closed down a brothel in Lower Mortlake Road.
"Some of your male readers may like to know," Mr Name and Address Witheld said at length, "that the sex den in Wills Crescent, Whitton is very much open for business despite complaints from local residents. Your disgustedly etc etc"
Sex dens? In the leafy, prudish Royal Borough of Richmond? Heavens above – something has to be done. A concerted letter-writing campaign, for a start:
Dear the R&T TimesDid they print it? Of course they did. Another victory in my campaign to prove that local newspaper editors will print anything.
I note with some concern your reader's views on the so-called 'sex den' operating in Whitton. Of course, Mr/s Name and Address Withheld is correct – no respectable society should put up with such lascivious behaviour on our doorsteps and I applaud the Constabulary's efforts in closing down such establishments.
Of course, this leaves us with the environmental time-bomb of lust-crazed former "Sex Den" customers driving round Richmond in their gas-guzzling VW Touaregs, polluting the atmosphere with needless CO2 emissions whilst looking for sordid knocking shops that have no place on our proud streets.
I propose, then, one of Mayor Ken's redundant Routemaster busses – converted to run on 'green' bio-fuel – that can collect these people from approved pick-up points, transport them to Hillingdon or Ealing where standards are that much lower, and drive around in circles until their filthy desires are sated.
It's a "win" for all concerned – the environment, the punters and, of course, the morals of the people of this fine Borough. Better still, we can charge it all to their Oyster cards so every penny is accounted for and appropriately taxed. Never has "Touch in, touch out" been more appropriate.
So: Are there any issues in your local newspaper that you think need the wisdom of Albert O'Balsam, or the on-the-spot guidance and 300-foot floodlit Kylie Minogue statues of Korea's Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il? Drop us a line – preferably with links to your local rag's internet presence and we'll take it from there.
I am not mad.