After last week's disappointment in my one-man letter-writing campaign at the hands of the Henley Sub-Standard, I have set my targets on the regional press in the far north of this great nation of ours.
Reader Graeme McKinnon prodded me towards the Mearns Leader, the local newspaper for the residents of Stonehaven, a small roped-off area fifteen miles from Aberdeen.
"Could Mr O'Balsam send a letter to my local snoozepaper?" he asked.
Why, naturally. Apparantly, Stonehaven is planning to install town centre CCTV cameras, and there is much hand-wringing over the expense. Albo's got a few things to say about that...
SirsArm the police with cattle prods? Are you mad, sir? Printed and published FOR THE WIN! (Click picture above to embiggen)
I note with some alarm moves to introduce CCTV cameras to Stonehaven town centre in order to combat low level crime and littering. As your correspondent in a recent edition of the Leader said, this is indeed a sledgehammer to crack a very small nut.
Instead of wasting countless thousands on this technology which smacks of the kind of brutal, totalitarian society they have in communist China may I suggest something far cheaper which will, I am certain, have the backing of the majority of Stonehaven residents.
Why not employ a number of "wardens" that can patrol the streets, apprehending and punishing litter louts and hoodies as they see fit?
These "men of the city", or "police", if we may coin a word derived from the original Latin, would have a large number of powers up to and including the 'clip round the ear' right up to 'dragging you home by the ear for a whupping from your old dad'.
Or, failing that, we can just zap litter louts with cattle prods.
As usual, we have to live with the fact that delete-happy sub-editors have excised the best, finely-crafted gag on the origin of the word "police", and they baulked at printing the name 'Albert O'Balsam', but a win is a win in these uncertain days.
The battle: It continues.