On writing letters to Viz

On writing letters to Viz

It is official. Viz Comic, which isn't as funny as it used to be, is now - according to Home Office statistics obtained under a Freedom of Information Act request - exactly 98.2 per cent as funny as it was in its 1987 heyday, and classed 'Slightly Subversive - I snorted tea through my nostrils at Biffa Bacon' by Whitehall civil servants.

On the Scaryduckworth-Lewis Scale Of Rating Things For Excellence, this turns in at 17 out of 20: Kate Humble in a wet T-shirt competition. High praise indeed for the Geordie lads, I think you will agree.

In celebration of this exciting news, I have written a few missives for their legendary Letterbocks page:

Dear Viz,

"The Sun Always Shines on TV" sang hollow-cheeked Morten Harket of 80s pop act A-Ha. He has obviously never watched EastEnders, then.

Yours etc, Albert O'Balsam

and

Top Tip!

Ice Cream Van Drivers! Inserting a playing card into each cornet you sell. Not only do the kiddiewinks get a slightly soggy free gift, but you only have to multiply the number of packs you use by 52 at the end of the day (or 54 if you use the jokers as well) and voila - you know how many ice creams you've served!

and, of course, the one I roll out on occasions such as this:

Dear Viz

What a load of rubbish these "old wives tales" are.

Yesterday, whilst admiring a particularly beautiful sunset, I heard an old wife saying "red sky at night, shepherd's delight". The next morning, her husband - who happens to be a shepherd - was tragically killed TO DEATH in a bizarre spacehopper accident.

Hardly reason to be delighted, I'm sure you'll agree.

Dan Prick

oooh, look:

Dear Viz,

I really must take issue with Albert O'Balsam's letter. I regularly watch EastEnders on Norwegian TV, and despite the sickening sight of Sonia's bestial affair with Well-ard, I distinctly remember that the sun was indeed shining. Also, I have a well-worn video tape to prove it.

Yours, Morten Harket, Norway

This letter is 100% genuine. Honest.