Monday, October 22, 2012


There is a sign outside our local pub which has been there since early September:

"It's never too early to book your Christmas party"

Let's see about that, shall we?

"Good afternoon, Mein Host," I say, trowelling on the smarm, "I'd like to book a Christmas party, please."

"Right you are, squire," Mein Host replies, returning my smarm in spades "I'll just get the diary."

There is a lot of smarm going on. If we were to start a double act, we would be called the Smarm Brothers.

"I'm afraid I'm a bit early."

"No sir," he says, quoting from his own sign, "It's It's never too early to book your Christmas party. When do you want it?"

"Let's make it a week before the big day," I tell him, as he flips the diary open, smarmily.

"December 18th? Right you are."


"Beg pardon?"

All pretence of smarm is gone. I fear that the Smarm Brothers idea is already dead in the water.

"December 18th, 2016. It's never too early to book your Christmas party."

"I'm sick of you loonies*. Get out."

"I'm sure we can do 2015, as well."

* I don't know what he means. However, if you want to see a genuine political leader in red-hot pub action, it is the local of the superb Howling Laud Hope.

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