Wednesday, May 07, 2014

Happy to help

It must be a soul-destroying job working for one of those South Asian companies whose entire existence is to phone potential marks in the UK and pretend to be the Windows help desk in a shoddy attempt to trick people out of their money.

In fact, any job where people routinely swear and curse at you can't be any fun, and - mindful of whether or not the call centre arrow-fodder care that they are taking part in an illegal enterprise if it puts food on their family's table - there is probably little fun to be had out of their working day.

One suspects that the only fun they get is the opportunity to call back punters who have annoyed them and throw a few swears down the line. My job, then, when one of these people calls, is to make their day and let them get it off their chest.

And so, the phone rings. I've been through this routine before, and probably written it on these pages on more than one occasion.

The caller ID says "WITHHELD INTERNATIONAL", so I have a pretty good idea what's coming.

The click. The satellite delay.

Followed by the fateful second where I can hear call centre noises in the background as the operator prepares to read from his script.

Now is the time. Jump in, like a ninja.

ME: "Hello, Windows help desk, how can I help?"

THEM (reading from their script): "Hello. My name is Williams David, and I am calling from the Windows help desk about the problem with your computer."

ME: "No. I'M the Windows help desk. What's the problem with your computer?"

Williams David (completely thrown): "Errr... My name is Williams David, and I am calling from the Windows help desk about the problem with your computer. He have detected a fault and..."

"ME: No. Wait. I'm the Windows help desk. You called me. What's the problem with your computer? I can keep this up all day, you know."

Williams David: "Fuck you."

And, two minutes later:

The phone rings. The caller ID says "WITHHELD INTERNATIONAL"

Williams David: "I said fuck you."

ME: "And your mother."

Williams David: "Fuck you."

He hangs up. My work here is done.


Anonymous said...

My daughter gets most upset when I string them along. I get to the bit where they say 'find the windows key' and I say 'oh, sorry my computer doesn't have one of those'. Kind of stumps them for a while.

Dioclese said...

When I get these sort of calls, I like to string them along. I tell them that I am really really interested in their product and want to know more, but oh dear there's someone at the door, can they please hold on?

I keep coming back and apologising that it's taking so long but I'm really really interested...

My record is 27 minutes.

It really pisses them off because they're on a calls per hour quota and get a bollocking if they don't get them all in.

Anonymous said...

Stringing them along and then saying you're on Linux is good....

Ole Phat Stu said...

"I'm the Windoze Help Desk and recommend you use Linux!"

Anonymous said...

Regarding your mention of American comedy TV from your post several days ago, you might wish to look up The Red Green Show, from Canada, too. Very funny sometimes. Full of Canadian/Up North/Men's Lodge comedy.

Anonymous said...

That's funny, Mr. Duck, but try this one!
Living on the edge, I do.

Anonymous said...

Here in rural Australia they've started using the major broadband company name instead of Microsoft. Desperation setting in? If I use the word "scam" they can't get off the line quick enough.