Happy to help

It must be a soul-destroying job working for one of those South Asian companies whose entire existence is to phone potential marks in the UK and pretend to be the Windows help desk in a shoddy attempt to trick people out of their money.

In fact, any job where people routinely swear and curse at you can't be any fun, and - mindful of whether or not the call centre arrow-fodder care that they are taking part in an illegal enterprise if it puts food on their family's table - there is probably little fun to be had out of their working day.

One suspects that the only fun they get is the opportunity to call back punters who have annoyed them and throw a few swears down the line. My job, then, when one of these people calls, is to make their day and let them get it off their chest.

And so, the phone rings. I've been through this routine before, and probably written it on these pages on more than one occasion.

The caller ID says "WITHHELD INTERNATIONAL", so I have a pretty good idea what's coming.

The click. The satellite delay.

Followed by the fateful second where I can hear call centre noises in the background as the operator prepares to read from his script.

Now is the time. Jump in, like a ninja.

ME: "Hello, Windows help desk, how can I help?"

THEM (reading from their script): "Hello. My name is Williams David, and I am calling from the Windows help desk about the problem with your computer."

ME: "No. I'M the Windows help desk. What's the problem with your computer?"

Williams David (completely thrown): "Errr... My name is Williams David, and I am calling from the Windows help desk about the problem with your computer. He have detected a fault and..."

"ME: No. Wait. I'm the Windows help desk. You called me. What's the problem with your computer? I can keep this up all day, you know."

Williams David: "Fuck you."

And, two minutes later:

The phone rings. The caller ID says "WITHHELD INTERNATIONAL"

Williams David: "I said fuck you."

ME: "And your mother."

Williams David: "Fuck you."

He hangs up. My work here is done.