Friday, January 09, 2015

Ouija board, ouija board

One thing led to another, and I ended up arguing with somebody on the internet who thinks that ouija boards are real and therefore a danger to life and limb.

Not only that, but the person with whom I had engaged argued that not only are these toy shop devices for speaking to the spirits of the dead real, but they also involve (and here it comes) powers of which we know little about. Rarely for one of these spirit-world-is-real types, they have a full explanation for why this is the case. Quantum physics.

I repeat: Quantum physics.

It turns out that quantum physics is dead people, and the 'God Particle' (if ever there was a name applied as an ironic laboratory in-joke that went too far, then this is it) is actually God Himself. How quantum physics moves the pointer on a ouija board around during a drunken student party after all the liquor has been consumed and everything in the kitchen cooked up into what is laughingly called a chilli was not made entirely clear, as my opponent used the "too complicated to explain, so it must be God" cop-out that every creationist and anti-science ranter resorts to sooner or later.

If you think ouija boards really are driven by spirits and quantum physic, then I've got news for you: You're an idiot.

I sat through months of lectures on quantum physics many years ago before I eventually switched disciplines to politics, and not once were dead people mentioned. Yes, some of the time I was bored very near to the point of actual death, but I am certain that and 11-dimension universe doesn't quite have room for the recently departed farting around with God Particles.

However, I am still prepared to be open-minded, and a comment by a fellow member of the Pizzopathy team (see recent blog post on the science behind Pizza Therapy) on the potential power of the board game Scrabble to channel messages from the dead prompted me into an important experiment.

Naturally, this required the laboratory conditions that validate all ouija board experiments, which meant several pints of strong ale, mixed with 'goon sack' wine and a half bottle of vodka, the Russian cyrillic on the label translating as "Uncle Vanya's Patent Got-Rot". Then we cooked everything in the kitchen into a chilli, and broke out the Scrabble set.

 A promising start:

Going downhill already:

Seems legit:

Oh. Who the shittery is Rodney?

 QED, I think you'll agree. Another victory for Quantum.

Huge thanks to Hayley Stevens for accidentally encouraging me to write this.


Richard said...

Is Hayley from the other side then?

Alistair Coleman said...

She's been there, didn't like it much, came back.

Flaxen Saxon said...

Last time I used a Ouiji board the message came through as: 'Arse, big fat arse. Although to be fair, I was, very, very, drunk.

TRT said...

Ouija boards are definitely real. I've seen them for sale in the shops and everything. Like diet pills. They're real as well. I'm not saying the work or anything, but they do exist.

Mr Larrington said...

This time next year, Rodders...