Monday, July 27, 2015

Put a body on the terrace: An introduction to the Lilac JA500 Glass Sauce Pot

Jane found this in a charity shop last week, and to my delight it was still there today. One pound fifty later it was mine, and I bought it for one simple reason: Because it's terrible. Really, really terrible. Look:

Any glass sauce pot that demand you commit murder is 100% worth £1.50 of your money.  (Penalties for homicide vary from country to country).

Congratulations on purchasing the Lilac JA500 Glass Sauce Pot. This durable piece of kitchenware will give you seconds of use, because - frankly - the instructions were written by somebody who speaks English as a 27th language.

"Herbs planted in spring eventually bear fragrant whiffs of joy". Who can't fail to be drawn to a glass sauce pot by these words of wisdom. Whiffs of joy is what the world is all about.

But let's take a look at the thing that cost me £1.50 in a charity shop before we delve into the real madness. Whiffs of joy isn't even the best/worst part.

That, sitting on a towel draped over the back of the sofa, is clearly a glass jam jar with a fancy, and not particularly safe, lid which stays on with a mere quarter twist. Uh-oh. And that's not even the best/worst part. That's probably the worst/worst part. When opening, there were no whiffs of joy.

All clear? Then we shall proceed with the instructions.

Is it opened with a personal status? Then carry on.

Wait... WHAT? Are they wanting me to commit murder? Will any body do? What if you haven't got a terrace - will a nice bit of garden decking do?

Emergency over, but having faced a direction tilt, I've found myself in the wrong room and I'm so confused. It's just a jar. IT'S JUST A JAR.

It's just a jar with lots and lots of warnings.

"Do not use the rough thing in ball in steel wire", which, as any historian will tell you, were Harry Houdini's somewhat prophetic last words before his infamous Escape From The Rough Thing In Ball In Steel Wire" trick claimed his life.

"A body is a glass", the motto of the Bargain Booze chain of off licences.

"The lid must be sterilizred with boiling water" - so, so close to making sense. And I'm always throwing my glass products in the washing machine. It's costing me a fortune.

And that bit about carrying it by the lid? There's the cop-out for making it so damn shit.

 WARNING: If your plans involve calefaction, seek a different product. Do NOT attempt to calefact the Lilac JA500 Glass Sauce Pot.

Please dispose of your Lilac JA500 Glass Sauce Pot thoughtfully and ethically. For example, at your local charity shop where it will give its next owner the minutes of extreme puzzlement it gave me.

If you need a body and/or a terrace, I know a chap who can help.


Capn Banzai said...

Impress boss at dinner table with Lilac Glass Sauce Pot
We sold the products are genuine, fake a penalty ten, local direct supply sales price!
Ceramic or Stainless Steel Gravy Boat out
Jar with Plastic Pourer in
Try with my Whalefingers
Look like meat, taste like fish

Mr Larrington said...

Thassa bargain.

Sainsbury's charge twelve quid for something very similar. They don't appear to sell tea strainers either chiz.

Zimmer said...

Only John Lewis seem to sell tea strainers that are fine-mesh enough to strain tea these days, it seems....

Andy Minshull said...

Love instructions with foreign products; here's one of my favourites, the washing instructions for a 3-4 yr olds shirt made in China: Wash inside out; remove child before washing. I tried to paste a pic of the label but it won't let me.

Richard Wintle said...

Some very find comments on this website:

"Very tight practical glass bottles, each can be installed a 3,5 days."

"Very small oiler, do not always get the vats down"

And so forth.

Richard Wintle said...

And for added fun... there's a "send your inquiry direct to the supplier" box on this web page. Go to it, I say.