Jeremy Corbyn versus the National Anthem

New Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn can't get a break from the more rabid sections of the press, and this time it's because he didn't sing along to the National Anthem at a Battle of Britain memorial event.

Some say he lacks respect for the war veterans - which is fair enough but besides the point as he actually turned up to the event in the first place - but I says why should an atheist republican sing a song about an invisible sky fairy prolonging the hereditary monarchy? If he truly disrespected the monarchy, he'd be doing Nescafe Handshakes throughout.

This whole non-story would be a complete non-story if we went down the Spanish route and had a national anthem that had no words whatsoever. Then Jeremy - and the whole country - can keep their mouths shut and nobody can ever use the excuse that they don't know the words to all five verses.

But what tune to choose? Billy Connolly always thought that the theme tune to The Archers was a good idea, because it's quite jolly, epitomises middle England, and anyone who doesn't join in for the "rum-te-tum-te-tum-te-tum" bit in the middle is a traitor.

That's all well and good, but The Archers is a bit - you know - posh, and our culture has moved on since Billy came up with the idea.

So here are a few suggestions of my own:

• The theme from Countdown - And anyone who doesn't do the duhduh-duhdudh-duddly-duh-POOO! at the end is a traitor

• The theme from Grandstand - And anyone who doesn't do the BOOOOONG! in the middle is a traitor

• The theme from Dr Who (classic 1970s version) - And anyone who doesn't go "Oooo-eee ooooh!" is a traitor

• The theme from EastEnders - And anyone who doesn't do the Doof Doofs is a traitor

While these suggestions are all TV theme-heavy (a great way to connect with our television-obsessed population), they are also very useful as a means of rooting out traitors who refuse to say "BOOOOONG!" at the appropriate part.

They also help footballers, such as Wayne Rooney who appears to have problems with the current anthem, where most of the words are "God" and "Save" and "the" and "Queen".

Queen: "I'm going to shit you up, Corbyn. Shit. You. Up."

 Let's face it, the Queen and God - after 63 years - have probably got the message on the whole saving thing by now.

You'd better watch out, Corbyn. Watching you.