Wednesday, January 13, 2016

The Return of Robot Wars: Death to the puny fleshy masters

Good news for people who enjoy watching young children's flimsy plastic dreams being crushed by nuclear-powered jack-hammers: the BBC is to bring back Robot Wars.

There is nothing quite so satisfying as the sight of a group of kids in school blazers as their creation is walloped back to the stone age by a bunch of engineers, spurred on by blood lust to build a mechanical monstrosity out of steel beams, rotating axe blades and hideous spiky death.

In the rest of the world, nobody likes an underdog. In Robot Wars, underdogs are utterly destroyed as a lesson for being so weak.

And with technology moving on leaps and bounds since the last time the show aired, we fully expect fully-refined killbots, swatting a disbelieving Air Cadet troop's drone out of the sky, before forcing them to eat it.

However, the public demands more. They want a programme with killer robots where "sudden death" means just that. A programme where the robots are in completely charge; and the fleshy masters are shown up for the flabby weaklings that they are.

That's why we demand Celebrity Robot Wars.

It works like this: A group of Geordie Shores, TOWIES and assorted hangers-on are enticed into the Big Brother house. Unfortunately for them, the other housemates are Sir Killalot, Sgt Bash, and that one with the huge rotating discs that could almost certainly take of a celebrity's foot at the ankle.

BIG BROTHER: "And this is the kitchen. You'll notice modern work appliances, twin sink unit and channels in the floor to let the blood flow safely away."

KEITH CHEGWIN: "I beg your pardon?"

BIG BROTHER: "Uh... nothing. Nothing. If you'd take care walking past the rotating knives, and make your way to the living area."

JOEY ESSEX: "Is that a hand under the sofa? It's still twitching..."
BIG BROTHER: "and this is your new housemate. Call him Kenneth."

CHEGGERS: "I don't recognise you. What were you in?"

CALL ME KENNETH: "The Robot War of 2099"

CHEGGERS: "Never heard of it"
I'd buy that for a dollar.

And thanks to 2000AD comic, we see this particularly satisfying vision of the very near future
Clarification: Some of the gags in this piece were cheggered from Twitter's Al Storer, which now makes him famous enough to join Celebrity Robot Wars.


TRT said...

I vote to combine Robot Wars with Top Gear and hold to-the-death Star in a Reasonably Priced Car style laps / obstacle course versus self-driving offerings from the major marques.

Al said...

I declare thee CHEGGERS