Keeping it real with Ian Beale: Episode One

Due to huge demand, I've written the first episode of the shit-larious Phil Mitchell / Ian Beale odd-couple sitcom. This has got 'hit' written all over it. (As in "For mercy's sake Phil, please stop hitting me")

"And now on BBC1, a new series from the makers of EastEnders. Keeping It Real With Ian Beale

"Viewers are advised that this programme contains scenes of a bathroom nature which some might find distressing"

[Opening titles. Theme song]

"Ian and Phil! Ian and Phil!
They live together cos no-one else will
Ian's a loser
And Phil's quite bitter
When Beale makes Phil cross
His head goes down the shitter"

EPISODE ONE: Shark Sandwich

[Ian and Phil's kitchen. Day. Phil is making his packed lunch]

Phil: There. This is going to be the best packed lunch that Walford's ever seen.

[He packs his lunch into an ice cream tub and puts it on the work surface]

[Ian enters carrying an identical plastic tub, which he puts on the work surface next to Phil's packed lunch]

Ian: There. A week's worth of stool samples for the hospital driver to pick up. For God's sake nobody open it, it smells like the end of the world.

Phil: I hope they don't get mixed up and I end up with your poo samples for my lunch, because you know what will happen...

[Think bubble appears above Ian's head showing Ian getting his head flushed down the toilet]

Ian: Please Phil, not again...

[Doorbell]

Ian: Ah-ha! That'll be the hospital driver picking up my stool samples

[Grabs wrong box, goes to front door]

Phil: And that's my cue to head off to The Arches

[Grabs wrong box]

[Ian re-enters, realises what's just happened]

Ian: Uh-oh.

[There follows twenty-five minutes of Ian Beale trying to make an identical packed lunch and sneaking it into Phil's place of work without him noticing, all with the help of Ian's homicidal son Bobby, whose only suggestions revolve around stoving people to death with blunt objects, and Phil's creepy son Ben Mitchell, whose only motive is to stir up as much trouble as possible. This stuff writes itself, to be honest.]

[The Arches, interior, day. Phil is looking for his lunch]

Phil: Where the hell's my lunch? I only left it here a minute ago. I hope Ian's got nothing to do with it, my flushing arm's feeling a bit stiff.

[Ben enters, carrying an ice cream tub]

Ben: Here you go dad, you left it at home. Ian sent it over.

Phil: I did? That's why you shouldn't drink son, rots your brain.

Ben: Enjoy your shite, dad. Lunch. I meant lunch.

Phil: You're the best son, even after all them murders you done. An' don't let anyone take that away from ya

Ben: Whatever you say dad. Just take your time opening that box, eh?

[Ben leaves in a hurry]

[Phil sits down, leisurely tucks a napkin into his collar, sighs happily, and opens the lunchbox. His nose twitches, but he suspects nothing as he grabs a sandwich]

[Cut away to Ben and Bobby outside The Arches]

Bobby: Shit sandwiches?

Ben: Shit sandwiches.

[Cut back to Phil]

Phil: Cheese and chutney, my favourite.

[Phil takes a huge bite]

Phil: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHH!!! BEEEEEEEALE!!!

CAPTION: Later that evening

[Phil and Ian's bathroom, Phil is flushing Ian's head down the toilet]

Ian: Whargarble!

Phil: Lol.

[Fade. END CREDITS]