Tuesday, May 20, 2003

"Pie News"

Weebl is on holiday and has allowed guest animator Manny to make a new Weebl and Bob episode. It's really very, very good. While on his hols, Weebl was "bitten by an eel". I've never heard it called that before.

“Christ on a Bike”

There’s been a lot of bandwidth wasted on the net in recent months over the question What Would Jesus Drive?. The general consensus reached after America re-invented Our Lord and Saviour in their own image was that he’d cruise around in a gas-guzzling SUV, flipping the bird at us lesser mortals taking public transport.

What a load of bollocks.

We kidnapped a couple of vicars last night, and down the barrel of a gun, we forced them to take a look at the evidence with cool heads and a funny smell coming from under their cassocks.

Jesus, the long-haired kid of a local tradesman, would have dreamed of burning up the streets of Nazareth on a Harley, but in truth, all he would have got from his old man would have been a Raleigh Chopper. Even then, he would have been the evny of the local kids. Who then, could have foretold that the King of the Back Alleys would have become the King of the Jews? Well, all the angels and stuff might have been a clue.

Years later, after a stand-up argument with his dad over his habit of hanging round the docks with crusty old fishermen, Jesus would have been his own man with his own place and his own set of wheels, the apprenticeship in the carpenter’s workshop long forgotten after His stout refusal to work for The Man. With His long hair, beard, open-toed sandals, a fully developed social conscience there’d only be one car for Him.

Behold! The Citroen 2CV.

The cutting edge of French automotive technology, designed (and I shit you not) to take a peasant, his wife and a pig to market, or a bunch of hippies to a Hawkwind concert at a top speed marginally faster that the donkey that carried His old lady to Bethlehem. It would, of course, he held together by a “Nuclear Power? No Thanks!” sticker with one of those rainbow wossnames in the back window.

It would be a quite righteous set of wheels.

Older, wiser, and recognised by his peers as the Messiah and the Saviour of all mankind, it is clear that the 2CV would have to go. With a posse of equally hairy disciples all clamouring for a lift to the Sermon on the Mount, He would have had to trade it in for something far more practical.

It’s a mircale! He drives a Volkswagen Combi!

And let’s face it, there’d be no riding into Jerusalem on the back of an ass. Be it weddings in Canaa, fishing trips on the Sea of Galilee or a trip down the morgue to pick up his old mate Lazarus, the Combi is perfect for the long-haired Saviour about town and His mates. And hey, if temptation ever got the better of Him, there’s no need to find a motel for His laydee friends - room service is included!

It is worth pointing out at this stage, that in the face of a hostile occupying power, there is no way on God's Earth that He would have bothered with a driving licence, let alone road tax and insurance. The Old Bill would have crucified him.

Judas Iscariot, on the other hand, would have driven around in a spanking new BMW 316 after unexpectedly coming into some money.

Here endeth the lesson.

Scaryduck - Going to Hell so you don’t have to.

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