Wednesday, July 07, 2004

The return of the Colonel

The Return of the Colonel

Oh Lordy, he's back! Following his triumph in the European elections, the UKIP MEP for Little Bastard continues his correspondence with this august journal.

Sir -

Speaking as a citizen of this once proud nation, I am writing to express my utter disgust at the perfidious grip that so-called "popular" music has taken over our youth. I can tell you right now that it is not popular in our household! Only recently, after beating our transistor radio into a pulp with a good, stout British cricket bat after the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation dared play some sort of jiggerboo music on "You and Yours" did I realise how these Rods and Mockers are bringing our society to its knees.

I propose an immediate ban on the Radio Times - a paragon of filth on a level with Pravda - and the Devil's own "Top of the Pops" which is nothing but a shop-window for masturbatory lusts and gyrating near-naked buttocks, which have driven my wife Brian to the very edge of rabid madness. The youth of today need to be re-educated with such evergreen artists as George Formby, Algernon Hitler (whose legendary number "What-ho darkie!" had us whistling all the way into Suez and straight out again), Chas'n'Dave and Skrewdriver.

A spell in the army would do these no-good tykes a power of good. Discipline, that's what they need; along with good military music instead of these drug-addled jungle-drums we hear these days from so-called "musical" artists who would shit in your airing cupboard and wipe their arse on your net curtains given half the chance. And let's not forget the nipple clamps, made me the man I am today.

I am not mad.

Lt Col Winston St John Cholmondeley-Cholmondeley Patel (Mrs)


Following on from the news that the Daleks will not be appearing in the new series of Dr Who due to contractual difficulties, we here at Scaryduck can exclusively reveal the terrifying new super-villains that will take their place. Get behind your sofas, puny Earthlings, for we bring you The Chavs.

That picture is just wrong on so many levels. See if you can spot everything I did...

Hey wow! It's Rasputin's nob! In a jar! If that thing had brains, it'd rule the world.

Quality religious nuttery, should ideally be read in an Alan Partridge voice. I challenge you to read "Apes, Lies and Ms Henn" without wanting to murder little Susy in her bed.

Good news for masturbators everywhere! You are already on the Hand Shandy Diet. I bet God-fearing Susy's got something to say about that.

The Scaryduck Archive

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