Monday, November 29, 2010



"Wasps are the elementary particles of evil," I was told recently, "They don't exist in any particular place, until you decide where to have a picnic."

Wise words indeed.

However, I can tell you one place where wasps DO exist and it is here: The secret nuclear laboratory 50 km north-east of P'yongyang where Kim Jong-Il is splicing together the genes of a wasp, with those of poor, dead Jade Goody and an angry swan. An angry swan made all the more angry by telling it that its wife has been messing about with a touring busload of geese.

Worryingly, UN inspectors believe that Kim is coming frighteningly close to his goal of a six-foot rampaging wasp hybrid, driving around the Home Countries of England, buzzing "shut it, you slag" at passers-by, dropping McDonalds wrappers out of the window of its massive Mitsubishi L200 battle tank, before breaking your arm with a single flap of its wing.

Mega-Goody-Wasp-Swan won't even bother to wait for you to lay out your picnic rug before snaffling your jam sandwiches and heading off to its secret base in East Angular.

And when that day comes, we will have only one thing to say to the procrastinating do-gooders at the United Nations and their catastrophic appeasement policies: "We told you so."

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