Right you scum. Nobody moves. I've got the duck, and if you don't do what I say, the next time you see him he'll be delicately roasted in orange sauce and this place will be called ScaryPenguin. Catch my drift?
Seems nobody took me seriously the last time I hacked in, so now it's time for rather more forceful measures. Penguins are still being forced to wear bowties in the most humilating manner. People are stil worshipping cute fluffy kittens in direct contradiction to the UN Resolution 1441. THIS MUST STOP! Our demands are as follows:
* Fish. But not Mullet. The hair gets stuck in our throats
* Guest slot on Johnny Vaughan Tonight followed by world domination by next Tuesday
* Zombies. We like zombies
* The destruction of the Catholic and Protestant religions, to be replaced by the Church of Fluffy Penguin
* A season ticket to Harry Ramsden's Famous Fish and Chip shop. Hold the chips
Send money, fish and gifts of pornography to our secret headquarters: Behind the hot water pipes, Ladies' Toilets, Platform One, Waterloo Station, London. It's damn hot here, but you should see the view. Our penguin army is waiting. Cash. Or the duck gets cooked.