The horror-scopes from a few weeks back seemed to go down well, so I’ve been consulting my crystal balls all day (hence the funny walk) and come up with these none-more-accurate predictions. Let’s face it, I couldn’t be any worse than Russell Grant, the old tosser. He’s got me down as “65% mental” today. Grant, I foresee a right old kicking for you, mate.
Aries: You’ve always wondered what your insides look like. In that respect it’s your lucky day.
Taurus: You dream of seeing the wonders of the world first hand. Tough luck, ravens will mercilessly pluck your eyes out for a fleshy treat while you lie in the gutter in a drunken stupor.
Gemini:Destiny brings you a meeting with an axe-wielding homocidal B-List celebrity. With hilarious results.
Cancer: Ironic that you’re a cancer...that’s providing the flesh-eating monkey virus doesn’t get you first
Leo: Let “Blood! Blood! Blood!” be your motto today. After all, you’ll be seeing rather a lot of it.
Virgo: You will acquire a certain amount of fame when they decide to name that incurable disease after you. It may only be a rash now, but tomorrow it’s immortality. As it were.
Libra: Don’t eat the salad.
Scorpio: It’s great that you want to make people happy. The doctors will still be laughing long after you’re gone. And the funny shaped coffin will give the undertakers a jolly good cackle too.
Sagittarius: Destiny foretells an encounter with an industrial robot and an emergency proctologist.
Capricorn: You will travel to mysterious places and work hard. And I bet you’d thought that slavery had been abolished. Kylie Minogue wants to kill you.
Aquarius: A slip of the tongue and an unfortunate misnderstanding results in brutal military intervention.
Pisces: Destiny sees loads of filthy, dirty, drug-fuelled, mind-blowing sex. But not for you.
If it’s your birthday: The lack of presents and birthday greetings should tell you something. Loser.