Lordy! An unforeseen planetary alignment and a bizarre accident with a pack of inflatable tarot cards meant I forgot to post up this month's horrscopes (or even remember to post any at all for March). You didn't miss much, only the usual diet of death, doom destruction, horror and flower arranging.
Aries: It’s incredible how those smart bombs can travel hundred of miles and hit their target with unerring accuracy. Most of the time. Still, you’ve got to laugh.
Lucky WWII aircraft: B-29
Taurus: It’s not true that masturbation makes you blind. Not in normal cases, anyway. And let’s face it, as a Taurus, your hands are hairier than most. Laser corrective surgery might help.
Lucky hat: Fez
Gemini: Anal probes aren’t all bad. Trust me.
Lucky 24 hour Arabic news channel: Al-Jazeera
Cancer: You are a beautiful, popular, successful head-in-the-clouds kind of person who can expect only love, wealth and happiness this month. Only joking. It’s Ebola again.
Lucky washed-up pop star: Rick Astley
Leo: You will spend your waking hours haunted by the question “Are you a Benny tied to a tree?” and fear that you may have given the incorrect answer.
Lucky arse: Kylie Minogue
Virgo: Your chosen career path will only lead to ridicule and humiliation. It’s not as if Celine Dion even needs a stalker.
Lucky Avenger: John Steed
Libra: You’d better watch your back this month, what with Mr Bush deciding that Librans comprise an important part of the “Axis of Evil”. Can’t say I blame him either.
Lucky Pope: Pius XII
Scorpio: Destiny sees an encounter with a tall, dark stranger, just minutes before you appear on the front page of the National Enquirer as the pervert who’s been carrying on with Saddam Hussein.
Lucky cop show: Miami Vice
Sagittarius: Most stand-up comedians work long and hard at their acts to get a reaction from their audience. On the other hand, all you’ve got to do to raise a laugh this month is to walk down the street.
Lucky French newspaper: Le Monde
Capricorn: Destiny grants your wish for a life of solitude on a tropical island in the Caribbean. Camp X-Ray, here we come!
Lucky Peanuts charcter: Linus
Aquarius: You will find that your life has descended into a bizarre parody of a Danish porno movie. And the TV repairman’s due today. Remember - if it hurts, you’re doing it wrong.
Lucky expletive: Tittybiscuits!
Pisces: A planetary alignment in Uranus on the 5th brings you inner peace, hope and love. Enjoy it while you can, as the rest of the month brings a planetary alignment in your anus.
Lucky German Technopop Pioneers: Kraftwerk
If it’s your birthday: The year ahead brings joy, happiness and an interesting rash on your shoulder which you will foolishly ignore. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but can I have your record collection?