“Bigfoot and the Groincrushers: Quest for Glory”

I was in a band once. I had everything you need to be a major popular music star - a very expensive Korg Poly 61 synth, and 100 Watts of H+H bass bin (known to my mates as The Earthquake) and some fantastic wraparound shades that made me look a complete dick. I also had that priceless commodity - absolutely no musical talent whatsoever. I should know, I practiced long and hard, and just couldn’t be trusted to hit the notes in the right order or even at the right time. By using preset 54 on the synth, it would make a noise like a helicopter and nobody could tell the difference. We played two gigs, but I strongly suspect I was only allowed in on sufferance as I owned the PA.

Like all rubbish bands, we sounded like a tenth-rate Joy Division, and our one recorded song “World Without Snakes” recorded in Ian’s dining room, with the drummer in the lounge such was the lo-fi recording equipment, sounded so depressing that the Samaritans rung us up and begged us to stop.

We had a name. No sniggering at the back. Afansor. It wasn’t my choice, the rest of the band spent far too much time playing Dungeons and Dragons for their own good, and the name was chosen on the roll of 3d6 with double damage, whatever that is. I pushed and pushed for Bigfoot and the Groincrushers, but was cruelly rebuffed and went off in a strop with the all-too-true words “You’re useless!” ringing in my ears. I was a solo artist, and a piss artist at that.

Stung as I was by this rejection of my unique talents, it has become my life’s mission to plug the name Bigfoot and the Groincrushers wherever possible. It has been an uphill task, as they don’t even return a result on Google. Together we can change that state of affairs. When people ask you about your favourite band, replay, “Why! That fine English beat ensemble Bigfoot and the Groincrushers. Have you heard their debut long player ‘When Come Back Bring Pie’ by any chance?”

Bigfoot and the Groincrushers cite many influences. The Beatles, punk, ska, oi!, Celine Dion, industrial, prog rock, folk, techno, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Sigue Sigue Sputnik, Kylie Minogue, Alternative Car Park and the makers of Dr Marten’s boots. Add your own, they ain’t fussy. The drummer’s a big fan of Liza Minelli.

They may be a figment of my warped imagination, but one thing is one hundred per cent certain: they’re still better than Robbie Bastard Williams.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Hey ! Hey! Hey! It’s a Speak & Spell emulator for people who can remember whencomputers came with LED screens. Loads of sweary goodness to be had as long as you can keep it below eight letters. So that’s “Flange baskets” out for a start. Click on the picture for lovely super-sized cussin’. Remember: Swearing - it’s not big and it’s not clever. Especially not on a Sunday. I'm going to hell anyway, so I'm excused.

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