One of the great hazards of living in this modern age - at least 98% of Americans claim to have been carried away by flying saucers, had bizarre experiments performed on their wobbly parts and returned to the bosom of their family with an interesting set of neuroses and a whopping great anal probe. However, you can avoid this terrible fate if you follow these simple steps, totally approved by the Gillian Anderson's Wobbly Parts Appreciation Society.
- Lay off the drugs. It turns out that one third of "abductions" are in fact taxi rides home following a night out at Spliffy's. I'd lose time too if I spent half my existence off my face while the taxi driver takes the scenic route home.
- Wear very, very tight trousers in lycra or spandex at all times. Those pesky aliens will soon give up on you when they realise they can't get the anal probe in.
- Keep in constant touch with your local law enforcement officers. Report in every ten to fifteen minutes if needs be, they'll understand totally when they realise the greys are after your bumhole.
- Three words. Tin foil helmet. This year's fashion statement*.
- Make yourself look less appealing to the aliens by disguising yourself as a Klingon. Qapla!
- Get your boss to instigate an emergency plan in case of alien attack. This kind of forward thinking will do your career a power of good.
- Tie yourself to a large, inanimate object (eg the Post Office Tower, the 1200 King's Cross to Edinburgh), making it impossible for ET's tractor beam to get a hold of you. A night in the police cells has a similar effect.
- Don't be American. They never seem to take Dutch people, who, as far as I can tell from my experiences of Dutch culture, rather enjoy a good anal probing every now and then.
And remember - the aliens are watching. Always. Even when you are naked. Especially when you are naked. They're perverts like that.
* The statement being "I am a twat"
Scaryduck’s ‘Did You Know...?’ No. 325
The director of the Swedish Security and Intelligence Service goes under the code-name of Double-O Sven.
Finbarr Saunders corner
This grabbed from the BBC Devon website. Kyak Kyak! Fnarr Fnarr!