Monday, January 19, 2004

Toga! Toga!

Nail me to a tree and call me Harriet - National Lampoon's Animal House is released on DVD next week. You understand that anyone who doesn't rush out first thing Monday morning and purchase a copy is on double secret probation. Okay?

Shocked and stunned

Big up to South West Trains for getting me to work on time today for the first time in three weeks. I feel a letter of congratulation coming on.


Apropos of my COCK-FM story yesterday, I bring you - genuinely - KNOB FM of Mineral Wells, Texas. Of course, they make 'em bigger in the Lone Star state.

Soaps Update

Scaryduck - rotting his brain watching the soaps so you don't have to.

Back at Innsmouth's top soap Cthulhu Street:

Despite his constant invoking of demons, Fred Elliott's doing a roaring trade in his Butcher's Shop with his new line of Longpig sausages flying out of the shop and into local frying pans. But why is local undertaker Archie Shuttleworth such a regular visitor to Fred's delivery entrance these days, and why does he never seem to do any funerals?

Local transsexual Hayley (ne Harold) Cropper surprises everybody by giving birth to a bouncing baby boy following a pregnancy lasting a whole two weeks.

"Oh yes," say the soap doctors, "eight legs and fourteen eyes are perfectly normal for a baby this age, Hail Nyogtha!"

"Ooh! Isn't he lovely?" coos Vera over the writhing bundle of joy, "He looks just like his dad!"

If only she knew. The have named him Chucky.

Back at the Rovers (A Newton and R'yleh Pub), there's trouble brewing for new lanlord Richard Hillman, the country's only zombie pub owner. Down to his last barrel of Shoggoth's Old Peculiar, he's forced to put on a little number of his own recipe, pulled together from the canal water coursing through his cold, dead veins and the secretions from the glands in Deirdre's frightening neck. Sir Les Battersby (knighted by mistake in the New Year's Honours) loves it, and asks barmaid Ena Sharples, resplendant in her hairnet and shroud, for more.

But there's a price to pay, and Sir Les is all out of brains.

Meanwhile, over in Albert Square, a reluctant Pauline Fowler is revealed as the one true vampire slayer, taking over the role vacated by Buffy Summers, as a Hellmouth opens in Arthur's shed down Walford Allotments. Most of the undead, creatures of the night and blood-sucking scum of the underworld are seen heading for the Queen Vic, where Pauline and sidekick Dot Cotton ("Oooh, get thee behind me, foul creature, or you'll bring me haemorrhoids out again") will be hard pushed to tell them apart from the genuine punters.

The Scaryduck Archive

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