Apropos of Nothing

Apropos of Nothing: A cut-and-paste special

I sometimes wonder about the people I associate with on the internet. Italicised entries are my own work. Help me.

* "How come foxes are known for their cunning? Ripping up the bin bag and shitting on my lawn doesn't strike me as particularly wiley."
"It would make me worried. I mean, imagine if the fox got hold of any personal details from your rubbish and took over your identity. Then he'd laughing at you behind your back. Thus making him cunning."

* "Shit, sorry, I thought you said 'Who's got the BIGGEST norks in the world?' Um. Sorry about the link."

* "I stole a jar of ether from the chemistry labs and poured it into test tubes to sell as poppers. The playground resembled the Somme that day.... "

* "Sneak into your boss's office after he's gone home and sow cress seeds on his carpet in the shape of a huge, spunking cock. That's always good for a laugh."

* You know you're getting old when your first thought after masturbation is, "Made it"! - Peter from Naked Blog

* "Well I've finally reached the age where I have had to have my prostrate checked. It wasn't too bad, but I told the doctor 'If I catch you smiling I'll break your nose'"
"When I had mine checked the doctor made me feel more comfortable by putting both his hands on my shoulders as he eased his fingers into my - hang on...."

* The tagline for the Mail's website is "Daily Mail: 24 Hours a Day". Is that a threat, or something?

* He's also fond of telling people about his job at SignFM, "the radio station for the deaf."

* As the voice of sanity here, and therefore the one most likely to take a kicking, can we not just go round Natasha Bedingfield's house and take turns shitting through her letterbox? OK, painful death it is, then.

* "Simply Red? They're obsessed with shagging rabbits, aren't they? 'Holding back the ears' and 'Bunnies too tight to mention'"

Oh, and another thing...

If it's Thursday it must be time for the regular vote-o for tomorrow's Scary Story. It's a simple flip-of-a-coin today:

* Glider - "It was the most embarrassing night of my life. Everybody, but everybody had turned up to the party dressed as horse-faced cheat Ruud van Nistelrooy."
* Ceiling - "He was not the kind of person you'd expect to find working as a funeral director. His 'Buy one get one free' offer had not gone down terribly well at the bowling club."

Select-me-up, and if you're good, you'll get a full selection of stories next week.