Thursday, September 02, 2004



Spang : onom The sound made when hit by a large metal spade/shovel, which unfortunately doesn't appear in my Scary Stories anywhere near often enough.

In an attempt to clear my files of certain stories which JUST WON'T GO AWAY, a rather shorter list than usual this week for the Thursday vote-o. All contain traces of mirth, and at least two have sizeable portions of woe:

Leaflets: "I screamed and screamed like a girl who'd woken up in bed with Ariel Sharon"
Glider: "I like big butts and I cannot lie"
Paint: "Witness the amazing power of ice-cold Dr Pepper as I pour it on my crotch and become sexually aroused!"

Standard disclaimer: Quotes attributed to these titles may not actually appear in the stories. Still, you can always take the chance.

People with Stupid Names

B3ta's recent Question of the Week asked for stupid names that you've come across. Everybody knows somebody with a stupid name, and I lay claim to a passing acquaintance to a certain Richard Head, whose parents should have been shot. In my years as a public servant and latterly a journalist, I've come across a fair few in my time, and... good grief, here's what I sent them...

I used to work at the dole office and hence met more than my fair share of losers who thought that changing your name to James Bond was the height of sophistication. There were four of them, all due at 10.00am on a Monday morning, all of whom introduced themselves as "Bond, James Bond".

Wednesdays saw Mr Plonker coming in, and I really, really hated Thursdays as I had to sign on Mr Wanka ("Have you ever thought of changing your name?" "No sir, I'm a Wanka and proud") without laughing.

I was doing fine until an entire family of Butts came in one day. Daddy Butt, Mummy Butt, and son and daughter Butt, all out of a job, and all after their giros. By the time I had called the oldest Butt forward, the entire place was in uproar. I was taken up to the chief's office and given a lecture in tact. Arthur Butt - he was asking for it.

The whole affair damaged me so much, I had to get it out of my system as part of my STILL unpublished novel Colin and the Dog. What's a man got to do to get a book deal these days short of having a talent bypass and changing your name to Ben Elton? Look, just read it here.

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