I am convinced that our house is visited by malevolant spirits. Bilt in 1939, just in time for the area to be bombed by the Luftwaffe, our neighbourhood saw regular action during the War as Hermann Goring's boys did their best to sink the Royal Navy in Portland Harbour. We've already got a ghost dog, and my secret supply of M&Ms always seems to go missing despite my children swearing on their lives that they haven't touched them, so an infestation of ghostly nutters from the Other Side is well within the realms of logic.
For example, just the other night, we were watching Most Haunted and an upstairs door FELL OUT OF ITS FRAME on its own accord. It was if a huge gust of wind got in through the massive hole in the roof where our builders are working on the loft extension and blew the door out of the door frame where it had been wedged. Spooky, 100 per cent genuine and definitely ghosts, who also kept hammering on the draught flap up our chimney, and nothing to do with those gales we've all been having.
I know what you're thinking, and you're right, I am talking bollocks. However, tell that to Alex the builder, who was wiring up the lights in Scaryduck Jr's bedroom. He had a large reel of cable in the loft and pulled a length through the hole to wire up the lighting rose. Someone in the loft yanked it back. So he gave it another tug, and ended up in a tug-o-war with a length of 13 Amp lighting flex.
"Ian!" he shouts to his mate as the cable wangs back and forth, "Stop playing silly buggers!"
The toilet flushes, there is the sound of hands being washed, and Ian steps out of the bathroom.
"What?" Ian asks.
"Gneep!" says Alex.
Any excuse for a tea break, if you ask me. I am certain there is a iron-clad logical explanation for all this. Should I call:
b) a priest
c) TV's Yvette Fielding, or
d) Naked Lesbian Ninjas
Those mustachioed gimps at 118 118 has been less than helpful, and bearing in mind that this loft space is soon to become my bedroom, your advice and/or hardly reassuring ghost stories will be gratefully received.
You will bow down before me, Jor-El!
Woo! Yay! I so rule TEH INTARNET! My first ever by-lined news story. Fifteen years in this job writing about media developments and human rights, and what do I hit the big time with? Klingons. Fame is such a fickle mistress...